This Thing Still Exists?

Admittedly I've not been in much of a blogging mood over the past several months. I don't plan on deleting this myself, since I originally started it as a journal-esque venture. I think it's important to see what I've felt and been through in the past. Who knows, if I ever date again, I may get dumped and have another man to vent about on here!

It's been a tough few months for me. I'm coming to a crossroads in my personal and professional life, and I've felt quite rudderless. Now, that's not to say that I've not had any fun or laughed at all. Those who know me know that I'm quite the clown when the time is right, and I've kept up my reputation as a silly jokester. But when the laughter subsides, my average mood has gone from a five to a three. My life feels empty, and I've lost interest in my job. Now, each day is different, and some days I feel happy with life. And if someone came to me and asked me if I have a good life, my first inclination is to still say "yes." Sure, I'd like to tweak my personal and professional life some, but I still have wonderful friends and family in my life who love me. I still get to travel quite a bit (albeit just for work recently), and I've got a very secure job that doesn't leave me stressed out. If I died today I'd still look back and say that I had a GREAT life.

So I'm working through some challenges in my life right now. It'll take time for me to re-engineer my life so that I can be happy on a consistent, day-to-day basis, but I'm 100% confident that I'm going to be able to do it. It may and probably will involve some decisions which may not be easy at first, including a likely physical relocation, but I know I'll come out a better, and happier, person. Wish me luck!

Onward & Upward

It isn't perfect, but I wanted to post on here to let you all know that life is good right now. While I'm still somewhat disillusioned with regards to my career direction, my personal life is humming along pretty well. I've taken a more active role in planning my social life and have reached out to friends with whom I haven't spent much time over the past several months. It's had a two-pronged effect: hanging out with new people has given me a better sense of self and a new perspective on group dynamics and friendships, and it has also helped reinforce the long-standing friendships that I already have. I have had a great time getting to know people that have previously been acquaintances, but when I'm back with my closer friends I appreciate better their relationships with me.

Not to mention that -- true to the cliché of finding a date when you least expect it -- I have met new boys with whom I will likely go out. I didn't aggressively pursue any of them; they just kind of fell in my lap (or hopefully vice-versa, REOW!). I had a first date with one tonight which went smashingly. Of course I have no idea if he will pan out, but the first step is always the first date. I'll probably go out with two more sometime soon, but there's a third in which I am particularly interested. I met him this past weekend and spent a decent amount with him over the weekend; however, I think he thinks of me as a friend at this point. That's fine, but I found myself strongly attracted to his personality in addition to the physical attraction (the latter of the the two being the easier match normally). We shared a very similar sense of humor, which is hugely important to me. That feature alone will score you big points. So we'll see; at worst he'd be a fun new friend. Well, at worst he'd sue me for sexual harassment, but I doubt it will come to that.

I am in the middle of a quasi-two week vacation (meaning that I'm generally out of the office, but not 100%), and it's been wonderful. It's been a long time since I've taken a significant chunk of time off of work and not jetted overseas. I have spent time with my family and some time with DC friends so far. Wednesday I'm leaving for New York and Fire Island, N.Y., for the next five nights. It should be fun, but I fear that when it's time to head back to work on Tuesday, August 5, I'll be so exhausted that I'll be tempted to call in sick. After all I'm 31 years-old now; I can't recover quite as quick as I could when I was 21. Still, it should be a great time.

Set Adrift

I'm still trying to pinpoint the problem(s), but lately I feel like my life is just sputtering along ... like I'm running in a constant hamster wheel, or I'm just on some sort of autopilot.

I've been very unmotivated in my job over the past several weeks, doing just what I need to do to get by and yet still look impressive/successful. My job isn't a brainless one, but I guess that I've gotten so good at it that I can half-heartedly do it and still come out smelling like roses. It's not like it doesn't have its own challenges, but I've just not felt "challenged" recently, if that makes any sense. I'm not *unhappy* in my job, per se, it's just that I'm starting to feel pretty bored with it. However, when I think of what else that's out there that I wouldn't mind doing, my mind goes blank. Surely there's a job out there that I would find exciting and challenging (but not overwhelming) ... I just can't name it off of the top of my head. Which doesn't mean it doesn't exist; virtually everyone who is in my line of work right now fell into it through a variety of ways. No one enters college thinking "I want to do what D-Town does!" I keep thinking that maybe I would be good in some sort of business development, marketing, strategic partnerships/alliances, or sales role for a creative company. I occasionally glance at jobs at technology organizations, marketing/PR firms, ad agencies, and the like. Maybe I'll update the resume and throw some copies out there. If I don't wind up getting the big raise that my boss promised me (if the finance people say I have to wait a year until the next budget), that may be the catalyst that moves this process forward.

Personally I'm doing okay, but not great. Going to the therapist has certainly been nice, but I'm not making progress as fast as I would like (which shouldn't be a surprise to an impatient person like me). Not to mention that at $180/week, it's putting a strain on the ol' wallet. And god love my friends (I know I do), but it seems we stay stuck in a rut, always doing the same things every week/weekend. Now that the weather is warm, I've been thinking about doing some more outdoors stuff like hiking and maybe even kayaking (something I've never done before). However, it's so hard to get my close friends excited about that kind of stuff. And you've read about my prior moanings and groanings about us not doing anything beachy this summer. Yeah, Toronto Pride will be fun, but we'll just be doing the same stuff there that we would be doing here ... going out on the town. Granted, I still enjoy the nightlife scene quite a bit, but I'm at the point where I'd like to diversify my weekend activities a little more. Hell, I'd even settle for an evening at Wolftrap under the stars with a blanket and a bottle of wine. Life just feels a little empty right now, for lack of a better word (unhappy or a similarly negative adjective is a little to harsh for how I feel). I don't want to blame it on being single, because god knows I don't need a man to make my life feel full (considering I've been single all but seven months of my life), but I'm searching for meaning and purpose in my life now. And don't be coming at me telling me that I need Jesus! lol

A lot of people I know are training for marathons. I've always enjoyed running but just haven't had the motivation to train for one myself. I guess a big reason is that I didn't want to give up one night of my weekend to go to bed early so I could get up and run in the morning. However, now may be the perfect time to start training. There are a little over 19 weeks until the marathon and half-marathon in my hometown. I may not be able to work my way up to a marathon in that short amount of time, but I could most certainly do a half, given that I am usually able to run about five to six miles on an average jaunt. I may just do that; it'd be nice to have a goal in my life to work toward ... giving myself a sense of purpose. I'll have to draw myself up a training schedule.

So anyway, stay tuned as I tweak my life to make it run at optimal performance :-)

Hooray Obama ... It's Almost Over!

We can only hope ... but do you realize that our next first lady will either be named Michelle or Cindy? What is this, The Babysitters Club or some such nonsense?

"Would You Trust (The Ex) With Your Heart?"

And while I'm sure I have plenty of self-exploration left to go, that one question that my therapist posed to me today after hearing the long explanation about me and The Ex really helped me put him in perspective. Because, although I'd love to trust The Ex with my heart again, in reality, I can't. Not after all that has happened between us. Think about it, if he were to leave his current boyfriend of two months and come back to me, what does that say about his character? And then if he did it to me once, and to another ex once, couldn't he conceivably do it to me yet again? I guess I'd be sitting there waiting for the other shoe to drop ... wondering if he's lying again ('cause lord knows The Ex is a bad liar ... he'd go straight to jail if he tried to lie on the witness stand -- even Hellen Keller could if she were in the courtroom).

So the therapist will be a good thing for me (albeit expensive). I've never been a person who has truly been helped by therapy, but I think that may be because I've had bad therapists or just didn't stick with it enough. I've seen therapists before while in college and afterwards, but it was to address different issues that have since been resolved (mainly dealing with the fact that I'm gay, coming out, stress in my job, etc.). So I'm going to try to stick with this one unless we just don't jive, but it seemed like we would just from our first session.

Last night I watched American Idol for the first time ever. I was invited over to some friends' condo to hang out, and I'm so glad I went. It was very comforting and fun to be with good friends ... there were five of us over. Yeah, I drank too much wine (shocker), but laughing with my friends was great therapy in and of itself.

Now time for my next phase of therapy. A run outside since it's a very mild day (60s). Onward and upward!

Frustration and Irritation

Given the dark cloud that has followed me around this week, it's probably no surprise that I've been faily irritable. The least bit of frustration, be it traffic, lines, shortcomings, having to wait, errors, etc., have brought me to the brink of tears, swearing, or shouting. I hate feeling this way, as I generally consider myself a pretty pleasant, flexible person. Ask my friends ... they'll tell you that I normally don't care what we do as a group when we all go out, just as long as we're together.

Though I have to say, after enduring a whole week of "what are you doing this weekend?" And "my friends and I are so excited about the beach house this weekend," it has made me endlessly frustrated. For one thing, I'm not going to the beach this weekend. I'm going down to Atlanta to do housework on my house all weekend with my parents and best friend there. It's the practical choice, of course, given that I'm getting ready to put it on the market (yippee, something else to be stressed about). But I'm also irritated because despite us all talking about going to the beach this summer, my close friends and I didn't get anything planned. And as someone who loves the beach, that leaves me none too pleased. I even turned down a share with a group of other guys because of the house sale and my friends' forthcoming plans. Not everyone loves the beach like I do, nor does everyone make the same money or have the same amount of vacation time. So that I get. But it's little consolation as we approach the jumping-off point of the summer.

I sure hope I can figure out my issues. Things have felt exceptionally dark this week. I can't seem to find pleasure in anything. Nothing that I normally look forward to interests me. I can't think of anything that will take my mind off of my depression besides medication or sleep. I hate it. I'm afraid that it's going to start affecting my job in short order. I can see that coming. I just don't feel motivated to do anything. Worst of all, I just don't think anyone cares. Who can blame them, though? I spent a long time last fall talking about this to the few who would bother listening then. They've paid their dues. Now I just have to learn to deal with this on my own somehow. That's why I am going to a professional tomorrow. I don't know what else is left.


Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Just Another Sad Love Song Rackin' My Brain

You don't *really* realize how many songs there are out there about love until you're hurting because of it. And they all seem to come on the radio, be played over the speaker at stores, come up randomly on your ipod, or be piped into restaurants when you least need to hear them. Trust me, I've heard my share this week, plus some others that, due to association, take me right back to a bad place:

Bleeding Love - Leona Lewis (one I love but have heard ad nauseum the past few days due to its popularity on pop radio)
Open Arms - Journey
Faithfully - Journey
Here and Now - Luther Vandross
Hate That I Love You - Rihanna
I've Been Loving You Too Long - Otis Redding
I'll Still Be Loving You - Restless Hearts
Time to Say Goodbye - Andrea Bocelli and Sara Brightman
I Can't Make You Love Me - Bonnie Raitt
Anytime - Brian McKnight
Your Song - Elton John
No Air - Jordin Sparks & Chris Brown (another one popular on pop radio now)
Like You'll Never See Me Again - Alicia Keys
I'll Be There - The Escape Club (which was actually my senior prom song, how weird)
I Just Can't Stop Loving You - Michael Jackson

And the songs that by association (primarly b/c the remind me of The Ex or remind me of that fateful Labor Day weekend in Rehoboth where my heart was freshly broken), take me there:

The entire second half of John Legend's "Get Lifted" album
Don't Stop The Music (Jody den Broeder Mix) - Rihanna
Ring The Alarm (Freemasons Remix) - Beyonce
Thks Fr Th Mmrs (Lenny B Club Remix) - Fall Out Boy

Yeah, those last ones you won't get (except maybe John Legend) ...

So I am going to see a therapist tomorrow during lunch; my first session with one in a while. Looks like I need professional help to move on since these feelings have been drudged up again after NINE MONTHS and I'm right back where I started. And I asked for a referral from my doctor; I'm paying full freight on this guy because I wanted someone GAY and GOOD, not some half-ass flunky through my insurance who isn't going to help me (the last one was a middle-aged woman who wore panty hose with knock-off teva sandals ... I'm kind of thinking that she's not going to get me, my situation, or how I've been trying to cope). Once I get my head on straight, then I'll decide if it's even worth talking to The Ex about my feelings. After all, it's now Wednesday and things are seemingly back to normal between us again.

Not to mention that my ability to read guys is not as flawless as I once thought. Rewind to last Thursday. I was at a social function where I knew a few people, but only about 5 - 10% of the crowd present. One of my friends brought someone, who I ascertained was a friend of his. Three hours later while several of us were at dinner did I find out that they were on their SECOND DATE. I was a little taken aback since I had been flirting with this guy all night, and I had seemingly been getting it back, including the occasional touch of the arm, etc. But my friend didn't seem bothered by it, so I was like, oh well, it's over.

So the friend's date and I exchanged emails recently just to say hello, and he mentioned that he had a busy week but a "hot date" on Thursday. Given that my calendar is clear this Thursday, I assumed he meant another date with my friend. I confessed that I didn't know they were on a date, and he said "oh, I figured you were just being friendly, I didn't realize you were flirting." So bottom line is that even though I thought my friend's date showed more of an interest in me than my friend on Thursday evening, I totally misread the situation again. Another two single guys find infatuation with one another, and I'm left standing on the sidelines, yet again.

That's what's so frustrating to me. Love is all around me. Everywhere I go I see happy couples (at least in appearance), hear about guys going on successful dates, see the excitement in someone's eyes when they're together with the person that they care about, etc. I see my parents, who have been married for almost 37 years. Hell, I even see successful gay couples (though the odds tend to be against us for some reason). I have two close friends who have been dating for over two years now and seem to be doing quite well (despite the occasional lover's spat, which is to be expected). Hell, even my best friend in Atlanta, who for years felt like he would die alone, has found someone ... they've been dating for over a year and are about to move in together.

I don't begrudge anyone's love at all. In fact, I am quite happy for them. But I'm also insanely jealous. I deserve to have the same love that everyone else has. Why does it work for some people and not for others? I have dated TWO guys in the 8.5 years that I have been open about me being gay. One for three months, and one for four months(ish) ... and they both broke up with me. Do you know how pathetic that is? I don't know what's wrong. I know I'm a catch. I'm smart, attractive, active, outgoing, gregarious, sociable, and reasonably successful. Yes, I know I can be exceptionally loud and abrasive (particularly when I'm drinking), and I have a Southern accent that I'll likely never shake regardless of where I live (which, despite people telling me that they like the accent, apparently never want to consider dating it, lol). But that's what makes me different, in a charming way (at least I thought).

"It'll happen when it happens." "It'll happen when you least expect it." Yeah I know, and they're both true to a point. But it's little consolation when you are feeling vulnerable and rejected. But AM I doing enough to put myself out there? I am constantly at social functions and watering holes where I have the opportunity to meet other guys. Do I need to be more aggressive and ask people out?

Another reason I probably don't date much (beyond many first dates) is that I'm just not willing to put any effort into a relationship at any stage unless I can see it going somewhere. I've always been the type to make the call about a guy not even halfway through dinner. I just feel that I can tell, based on a person's personality, whether it's going to work. Again, maybe I am making that call too fast, as my skills in this area are being called into question (see earlier this post).

Hopefully the therapist will be able to shed some light on the situation. I don't want to have to stay medicated on xanax 24 hours a day, nor do I want to have to move to a new city just to avoid seeing The Ex ... that's certainly not solving the problem. Maybe just keeping the radio off and avoiding all forms of music ... nah, that's no fun either!

Bleeding Love

Today's been a tough day emotionally. I saw The Ex for the first time since March (or thereabouts) at a party last night. It was a big party and he got there late, so it wasn't like we were stuck with one another. The thing is, we had a great time together. It was fun hanging out with him; we did have a lot of good times and fun together. It was like old times to a point last night. He's been dating the same guy for the past two months, but he was out of town and wasn't his +1 (another friend I know came along).

However, things did take a dramatic turn towards the end of the night. The Ex pulled me away in a room, just the two of us ... why I wasn't sure. He sat down, and started to cry. Now granted, we had both been drinking and things are a little fuzzy in recollection. He shared with me some bad news from his life, and I don't know what happened ... maybe it was just seeing him in pain and wanting to reach out to him, to let him know that I appreciated the fact that he could share personal information with me still, to let him know that I was there for him in spite of all that had happened between us ... but I told him that I still loved him. And I started tearing up myself. We hugged each other, and tried our best to understand and comfort each other. He wasn't bothered at all by my confession, it seemed. Maybe he still knows. He didn't go into how he feels about me, but I could tell that he still has feelings for me on some level. What those are, who knows. We rejoined the party, and he and his friend ultimately left.

So now here I am, yet again, on the verge of tears all day today, listening to sad songs about love on my ipod. Not knowing what to do next. The Ex and I exchanged brief texts today, but it was of minor consequence and didn't have to do anything with last night. Maybe in the light of day he got his head back on straight and realizes he just had a weak moment due to alcohol. I know I did. However, my feelings for him are real. Very real. You're probably wondering why I keep doing this to myself ... reopening these wounds, torturing myself, going down a path where the destination is fairly certain. I don't know. Maybe this is why I haven't been strongly interested in another guy for the past few months. Maybe this is still part of the healing process. However, something deep down inside of me thinks that this feels so real, it can't be wrong. Can I really have such strong feelings of love for someone who doesn't or won't love me back? Surely my heart wouldn't want someone who had zero feelings for me, right? Maybe the fact that there's the potential for something there that has kept me from resolving my feelings for The Ex. Maybe I can't move on because I don't want to move on? Is he really "the one" and this is just what has to happen until we're back together? Like a holding pattern around the airport before the plane comes in for a landing.

But how long am I supposed to wait? What if my heart IS wrong? I can't keep going through this process. I just can't. When the wounds reopen like they did last night and today, it is almost all consuming. I can barely focus on anything else. I just want to knock myself out to numb the pain ... being unconscious is the only thing that can keep my mind and my heart from dwelling on The Ex. When I'm awake, I'm on the constant brink of tears. What's worse is that I have spent all day standing on the edge of an emotional cliff, but not falling over. I have barely shed a tear, but feel like i need to bawl. Why can't I?

Uncomfortable as it may be, and even though I may be dooming myself to short-term depression, I probably need to have a frank, sober conversation with The Ex so that we can ascertain our feelings for one another. No more of this "see you every two months at a party and you start giving me signals and telling me you miss me" nonsense. Boyfriend or not, it's evident that he still feels something for me. What that is, I don't know, and maybe he doesn't either. We both deserve that. We either need to date or be done for good.