In the Blink of an Eye ...

... things can change. It turns out that I am, in fact, going to San Francisco this weekend. The Ex sent me a chat message this morning telling me that he's decided to back out because he miscalculated his expenses this month. He just moved and he's broke, after all. Kind of funny that he realized that within the past 24 hours, but either way, I'm going!

Two things stuck out of my phone conversation yesterday with the Ex that actually are good for me. They're not good things per se, and they reflect poorly on his character. While I don't delight in anyone's faults, it is starting to help me see that he's not the infallable guy that I once thought he was. He's still a good person at heart, I do believe, but he screwed up once and disappointed me once yesterday. He's human so of course he's not perfect, but to me he was in some ways, and I have to start to realize that it's not the case.

L.A. has been a fine trip, albeit another short one. I kind of was looking forward to doing nothing this weekend in DC, but come on, rest in DC can wait another weekend.

I didn't mention this before, but this weekend is Folsom Street fair in San Francisco, which, for those who don't know, is a big leather/fetish weekend. When we booked our ultra-cheap United tickets (thanks to Virgin America's fare drop and United's fare fuck-up), we just decided we'd go that weekend for the hell of it. Now, lord knows that I'm no angel, but Folsom will definitely be a bit off my normal routine. The only black leather thing I own is a light jacket (well, and dress shoes). And the only black rubber I own are the Goodyears on my car. But hell, I'm just there to have a good time and enjoy the scenery. Maybe I'll learn (or meet) a few new tricks.

(Speaking of, does anyone have this guy's contact information, Friendster, MySpace, or Facebook profile lying about somewhere? Would you be a doll and pass it along to me? Thanks dahlings ...)

The Case of the Ex

Now let me preface this post by pointing out that this is not going to be a fun or entertaining one. I'm going through a lot right now emotionally, and I just feel the need to get some of it out. It's probably going to be a long one, too. :)

So the Ex and I are officially done. I mean, we were taking a break for a while, but on the Friday before Labor Day weekend -- before we all went to the beach together, mind you -- he basically told me that we were never, ever getting back together and that he had decided over the course of our break that he just wants to be friends with me. Fair enough, but we're talking about emotions here, and they don't always follow logic.

At some point since I have known the Ex, and I'm not 100% sure if it was when we were actually dating or breaking, I fell in love with him. I never told him so, but I slowly figured it out. I saw in him what I want in a boyfriend/husband/partner. He's someone who is not just ambitious, intelligent, funny, socially outgoing, and attractive, but he had that quality about him that seals the deal ... it's that intrinsic personality quality that you can't define on paper -- you just feel it.

But he didn't. He told me that he realized that his affection for me was more of an infatuation rather than the buddings of love. He thinks that I am a good person, but I'm just not what he is looking for in a mate. But more to the point, he just didn't want to date anyone right now. He's young, out of the closet for a mere two years, and relatively new to DC. Two years after I was out of the closet I, too, was probably in the same place.

The Ex is my second ex. The first, when I was 25, also broke my heart. However, when we broke up, he vanished. I very rarely saw him again, and we certainly didn't have mutual friends (well, we were still cordial and friendly to one another's friends when we saw each other, but we didn't run in the same social circles). This time, the situation is much different. Since the Ex was new to town and since I'm a nice guy who knows how tough it can be to meet people, I took it upon myself to introduce him to my friends and make sure people added him to their social rolodexes. The wisest move? Probably not, but I do have a habit of putting others that I care about in front of my needs; I look at it as a double-edged risk/benefit of being a kind person. So the potential existed that I was going to run into the Ex a lot.

Example #1: the beach house. The Ex and I were two of 16 people who would be sharing a house in Rehoboth Beach, Del., over Labor Day weekend and the following week. I invited him to join the house after we started our break, so it wasn't like we were going to be there as a couple per se. Well, since he told me that we were officially over the day before we leave, I had to deal with a raw, open wound right in front of him for three straight days of beach, boys, and parties. I did pretty good the first two days, but on the morning of day three I overheard him telling someone, albeit somewhat discreetly, that he hooked up the night before. Overhearing that flipped a switch, or rather, stabbed me in the heart. I excused myself and broke down in private with one of my close friends. However, I had to spend the rest of the day faking it with a big smile on my face while inside I was dying, hurting, and just wanting to crawl in a corner and cry my eyes out. I cut my trip short (I was staying longer) because I just needed to not be around him anymore.

I realized that he really didn't understand what I was going through, so I wrote him a long email explaining how I was feeling. I asked him to not talk to me, text me, chat with me, or call me for the next four weeks (until our five person trip to San Francisco). He said he would do as I asked, and he did.

However, three weeks later -- this past Saturday -- some friends decided to have an end of the summer cookout and reunite everyone from the beach house. Both the Ex and I were invited, and I decided that I would attend knowing he would be there. I figured that us mingling at a group cookout would be a somewhat easier way to re-engage with him than on a long flight, just the two of us. Our first conversation was good, albeit stiff, and I seemed to do well at the party for the bulk of the night. However, after a few drinks for everyone, I again overhear a story being told by him. It was about another hookup at the beach; one that took place after I left. At that moment it was as if the past three weeks of progress were completely wiped away, and I again fell apart. Two good friends looked after me and comforted me for the rest of the night, although the wound was reopened. Of course, the charming Southerner I am, I put on a brave face so that most everyone who wasn't paying close attention wouldn't have known that I was upset. This may not even have happened were it not for my tipsiness.

Sunday was a bad day, and I was under and emotional cloud all day, still very much hurting like I was on that Monday and Tuesday after Labor Day. My friends have been great, but I know they are utterly exhausted of hearing me talk about the Ex. I went to the doctor to see about a prescription for xanax, but I only really started taking it a few days ago when the pain and anxiety over the past couple of days became greater.

I have gone through a range of emotions from sadness and hurt to anger and rage. I feel or have felt wounded, unloved, unwanted, fat (despite losing a net 11lbs as of Friday, *pats self on back*), ugly, undesirable, and worthless. I have been searching for relief in a variety of ways with very limited or short-term success. I just can't seem to shake him from my thoughts, and I wonder if I'll ever get over this. I listen to depressing music alternated with raging "I hate you" music. I know that I will, time heals all wounds, blah blah. I know that it wouldn't be a cliché if it wasn't somewhat true.

To make matters worse, my stress level has been through the roof in anticipation of this San Francisco trip coming up on Friday -- a trip that was planned back in July post-break but pre-breakup. It's my close friends, but they're friends with him, too. Do I go? Do I not go? I want to go; I paid the airfare after all, and I love San Francisco. After a lot of soul searching and some conversations with the Ex, I've decided that it's just too soon. I hate it; I wish I was further along in the healing process, but I'm not. I'm embarassed, frankly, that I can't seem to handle being friends right now. I'm sure he's thinking "what's with all the drama?" Maybe he's right. Maybe I am just being too dramatic and am dragging this thing out unecessarily. However, in conversations with my friends who have experienced similar pain, I think that I'm doing fine. I just don't want to look like the unstable crazed ex-boyfriend to my Ex. Why do I care? Because I do. I'm already the dumpee; I don't want to be the crazy wild-eyed dumpee that breaks out into a rage when I see him.

So that's where I am. It's a big rollercoaster of emotions for me right now. I know passing time will help, as well as limiting contact with him for a while longer. I want to be friends, I really do. I just can't right now. Hopefully I will be able to sometime soon, and hopefully he will still want to. That's the idealist in me.

Back, Back, Back It Up Now

(and lemme lemme UP grade you ...)


So my contract with Verizon Wireless is up, and it's time to get a new phone. My phone has been great, but it's starting to show it's age. It's really beat-up looking, it freezes up sometimes, and, well, I guess that's enough.

However, the thought of transferring all my numbers to my new phone terrifies me. I would have to take the day off of work to do it, it would be so long. I knew Verizon had a service where you could back up your numbers nightly, but I also assumed that they'd charge me for this service. Well, lo and behold, if you sign up for online account access -- something I did eons ago -- you can get it for free! So I just signed up for backup service, and if you're a Verizon customer and haven't done it yet, I suggest you do it right now: http://www.verizonwireless.com/b2c/landingpages/backupProtection.jsp.

Now, for the new phone. I think I'm going to get the LG VX8700:


It's a skinny bitch and it's really hot. It even has a cool caller ID screen that when not illuminated, blends in to the existing chrome on the phone. It'll cost me $80 even with my new every two discount of $100, but I don't care ... how often do you get a new cell phone, anyway? And I want one that is small. I don't need a keyboard or a big ass camera on it. The weird thing is that the ex and I both had the original Motorola e815 (pictured at top), and he's already gotten the LG.

I've also got to upgrade my plan, too, as my texting has dramatically spiked over the past couple of months. Right now I pay $5 for 250 texts a month, but I'm running over it. In fact, I have texted 234 times this billing cycle and it's already pretty early. I've gotten to be a popular hen in the barnyard apparently! :)

Song & The South

If you've not heard this song, listen. It's awesome. Plus the lyrics are good (for me, for the time being). Apologize by OneRepublic and Timbaland.

I continue to struggle about the ex, but things have certainly progressed in a positive direction over the past few weeks. We're going to be at the same social gathering on Saturday, which will be the first time that we've seen each other or spoken since Rehoboth. I'm a little nervous about it, but I'm sure it'll be fine. Plus, like Bernie pointed out, better to test the waters Saturday before I am thrust on a plane with him for five hours - just him and me - to San Francisco next weekend. I'll just have a xanax with my first cocktail.

I went to Atlanta last weekend for fun, and it was. I spent a lot of time with just Jamie, which was great since we haven't had alone time with just the two of us in so long. We even watched football all day Saturday, so it brought back good memories. Rich and I went out in Midtown Saturday night, which was also fun. Lord, walking into Blake's brought back a ton of memories ... it was just the second gay bar I ever set foot in, and it's a place where I have spent many a weekend. But then on Sunday Rich, Jamie, Victoria, Rob (not that Rob), and I went to the Green Manor, this big old Southern mansion about 15 minutes past the airport in the frozen-in-time blue collar suburb of Union City. This place has a killer Sunday buffet brunch, and my friends and I have blown through there on many a Sunday. Now, it's a church crowd and locals place, so a gaggle of gays and gay-friendlies kind of stand out. And if you know me, I kind of stick out anyway. There's one waitress that's always working on Sundays, and we call her Dixie Carter b/c she looks like Dixie Carter (Julia Sugarbaker, for those who don't know). I have no idea what her name is, and I honestly don't want to know. We walked in and she instantly remembered me: "well, I haven't seen you in a long time." I have not been in this place in three years easily, so yeah, that's the kind of impression I make :).

I flew back Monday morning and five hours later I was back at National for a flight to Miami. It was an overnight work trip; short, but productive. OH, the highlight of the trip was probably running into Halo South Beach. Yes, Halo, the bar across from my house apparently opened up a location there just a month ago. I was just walking around after dinner and randomly came across it. It looks like what you'd expect the Miami cousin of Halo DC to look like ... loungey, white interiors with lots of low neon lights. I didn't go in as I wasn't feeling boozie on Monday night. But good to know there's a decent gay bar in South Beach; contrary to popular belief, gay nightlife in Miami sucks. Most of the gays apparently head to Lauderdale for their nightlife.

Fortunately I won't travel until next Tuesday when I go to L.A., as I'm whipped and glad to be in my own bed for the next several nights. Plus it's much easier to stick to my diet and exercise regimen in town than it is on the road. Still doing well (with the exception of blowing it on purpose on Sunday at the Green Manor - which I don't regret one bit :)).

A Sage for the Social Set

So apparently I'm the new hotness and didn't know it according to Express. On page 36 of yesterday's Express there's an excerpt from this post. I had no idea until Bernie emailed our inner circle of friends to share the news. And what did they choose to highlight? Oh, my musings on why I shouldn't communicate with people when I'm drunk. I will say that it is written grammatically correct, so maybe that's why the newsies picked up on it. Yep, there was a dramatic spike in my page visits overnight.

Now the pressure's on ... what other wisdom can I impart now as a spiritual leader to the social set. Well, maybe I'm getting carried away. My guidance was more Elizabeth Post than the Dalai Lama.

1. Order rail booze if you're mixing it with something in a bar. Yes, I know you hate that morning-after headache, and yes, I know you just got a raise, it's your birthday, someone else is buying (well scratch that), whatever. If you are going to mix run-of-the-mill cranberry juice cocktail from a bar gun with that vodka, don't order Grey Goose ... Zelko will be just fine. Now, if you are making your own cranberry juice from a juicer with no added sugar, then maybe I could see you wanting to mix the best with the best. Same goes for bourbon/whiskey and ginger ale. Y'all, that's probably Sam's Choice or Kirkland's ginger ale in that bar gun, not Seagram's or Canada Dry (is that fancy ginger ale? I don't know).

2. Ditch the cards; use the cell. When I first came out and started hitting the bars, you would find all these little pieces of paper and golf pencils strewn all over the bar on which you could exchange phone numbers with your special someone. It was very handy. Most everyone had a cell phone in 1999, but texting was a very new thing. Beyond that, no one had caught on to the notion that you could store someone's phone number in your phone without having to track down paper and pencil or keep up with said paper when the exchange took place. Now when I meet someone I just dial their phone number right there or vice-versa, and the number is in the phone. The drawback is the cumbersome "enter the name" part of the process. Depending on what time of the evening you make your love connection (or that person who said that they know of a great job/roommate for you), you may not want to fiddle with the person's whole name. If you're really in the bag, just find it within yourself to type in their first initial. At least you've narrowed down the name to one in a hundred instead of one in a thousand. Unless it's the letter X.

3. Stash away your cab ride home early in the night. One of the luxuries of living where I live is that I am within easy walking distance of most of the bars that I frequent. However, when I decide to mix things up a bit and head out of the 'hood, I usually won't feel like hoofing it home or waiting 20 minutes on nighttime Metro trains to bring me home. Enter the cab ride. But how do you make sure you have enough money for that valuable ride home (or elsewhere) at the appointed hour? Simple: take $10 (or $15, $20, whatever) out of your wallet at the beginning of the night and stash it somehere ... the fifth pocket on your jeans, the area under your driver's license, in your shoe, etc. That way you are assured that you won't blow your ride home on a round of shots for you and your newly-found bar friends.

4. Rethink drunk food. It's human nature (I suppose) to crave food at the end of a night of partying (well, drinking). Don't head straight to Jumbo Slice or Yum's (please god not the latter); consider something less greasy, like a turkey sandwich. 7-11 is very close to my house, and upon entering the store, I will invariably be drawn to the tasty taquitos. I've gotten myself trained to take three extra steps to the cold sandwich section and grab a turkey sandwich instead. Yes, it's probably the same amount of carbs, but the fat and calorie content is most certainly lower than those pre-made fried cheesy delights. Better than that, keep some easy-to-grab, not-that-disgusting munchies at your house: peanuts, beef jerkey, baked chips. Yes, I know it's not what you want, but would you rather give up your drinking or give up your greasy end-of-the-night snacks? That's what I thought.

5. Water, water, everywhere. You will need water--lots of it--to stave off that hangover the next day. Do whatever you can to make sure you have access to water both before you go to bed and when you invariably wake up in the morning to go to the bathroom before heading back to bed. Put a bottle or glass of water by your bed (but don't knock it over when you get home). Make sure your water-filtering pitcher is full before you leave. Keep your Nalgene full and in the fridge. Whatever ... just do what you can to make sure that you won't have to make much effort to get water when you walk in the door, because you are not going to want to do anything but head straight to the bed.

Okay, you've got five to work on and perfect before the next lesson.

"You want this life ... those choices are necessary."

Miranda said it to Andrea in their Mercedes in Paris in one of their last exchanges in the movie; however, I have thought back to this line several times in the past week and a half.

My first day back in the gym after the ex dumped me, someone had on
The Devil Wears Prada on one of the TVs near where I was doing crunches. I don't what it was about hearing it at that moment, as I've seen the movie a few times before, but the quote has been sort of a mantra of mine since then.

Choices

Life truly is defined in many ways by the choices you make. Right now I am making some hard choices about my diet and exercise. I've decided to channel the hurt and anger from the demise of this relationship into a rededication of myself to my health. I want to look good, and I am going to do so. Those first few days where you don't have much of an appetite? When I did feel like eating, it wasn't junk food: it was spinach salads, lean protein, the like. I cut out snacking, cut way back on soda and carbs, and have been as good as I possibly can with following these goals. When I have a temptation, I recite a modified Miranda Priestly quote in my head: "if you want that body, these choices are necessary."

Exercise has also been a focal point. I've done my damndest to hit the gym daily, either doing cardio or weights. Already I'm seeing some results. Another challenge when it comes to exercise for me is my travel schedule. Historically I'd just stick to cardio and eschew weights when I was on the road, citing the fact that most hotel gyms have zero weights and just a few cardio machines. However, this trip to San Diego gave me a chance to step it up. I went with my friend John to the 24 Hour Fitness in Hillcrest, paid the $10 guest pass fee, and worked with him. John is awesome; he is a spinning instructor and someone who makes working out a priority. He really helped me see where I needed to improve technique-wise and pushed me while we were there yesterday. Even though I can already tell a difference in my body, it was inspiring to know that I can overcome the next plateau by forcing myself to adopt new exercise habits in the gym. Yeah, it's tough, but like eating habits, if I can break through those, I can break through and make new progress at the gym. He encouraged me to purchase a few training sessions at my gym, noting that he, too, had to learn to work out, and "I used to be just where you are, trust me; I know."

So I've already had a net loss of six pounds, and I already look better with my clothes off :). Here's to continued success in this arena.

Why?

Why do amateur fliers insist on sitting next to one another for an hour flight? Quit trying to trade seats with the person three rows in front of you so you can sit next to so-and so ... just be glad you have a seat and that the plane is leaving on time (perhaps). Sit down and read something!

Why does the TSA agent at one airport want to see your boarding pass when you go through the security screening and another one look at you like you're an idiot for showing it to him/her at another airport?

Why can't I find a dress shirt with a 36" sleeve unless I want to pay full price at a department store?

Why don't people in public ever want to take responsiblities for their actions? I would say Republicans, but Congressman Bill Jefferson also falls into this category. However, accountability does seem to be more of GOP issue than Dem.

Why have I not learned that you should not text, email, or call anyone with whom you are not close friends unless you are sober? This rule was making itself known to me even back in college. At least I can take comfort that others have not learned the same lesson.

Why does the pain you feel when someone you love dumps you so powerful that it can swallow you whole and render you paralyzed? Why isn't there a way to speed the healing process up? Believe me, over the past week I have tried, and there ain't.

Why do I think "oh I have some great stuff I need to blog about" and then stare blankly into Blogger's compose screen when the time comes? I guess I should start sending texts to myself as reminders.

Why does dental insurance always suck?

I'm Not Dead

I'm working on like four blog posts right now, so I promise I'm not dead or anything. Yes, one is ex-boyfriend related, but I'm still working through all those emotions so I want to make sure they're publishable :).

I'm heading to San Diego this afternoon for two nights for work. Next weekend will be Atlanta, for fun ... no work. More to come ....