Bleeding Love

Today's been a tough day emotionally. I saw The Ex for the first time since March (or thereabouts) at a party last night. It was a big party and he got there late, so it wasn't like we were stuck with one another. The thing is, we had a great time together. It was fun hanging out with him; we did have a lot of good times and fun together. It was like old times to a point last night. He's been dating the same guy for the past two months, but he was out of town and wasn't his +1 (another friend I know came along).

However, things did take a dramatic turn towards the end of the night. The Ex pulled me away in a room, just the two of us ... why I wasn't sure. He sat down, and started to cry. Now granted, we had both been drinking and things are a little fuzzy in recollection. He shared with me some bad news from his life, and I don't know what happened ... maybe it was just seeing him in pain and wanting to reach out to him, to let him know that I appreciated the fact that he could share personal information with me still, to let him know that I was there for him in spite of all that had happened between us ... but I told him that I still loved him. And I started tearing up myself. We hugged each other, and tried our best to understand and comfort each other. He wasn't bothered at all by my confession, it seemed. Maybe he still knows. He didn't go into how he feels about me, but I could tell that he still has feelings for me on some level. What those are, who knows. We rejoined the party, and he and his friend ultimately left.

So now here I am, yet again, on the verge of tears all day today, listening to sad songs about love on my ipod. Not knowing what to do next. The Ex and I exchanged brief texts today, but it was of minor consequence and didn't have to do anything with last night. Maybe in the light of day he got his head back on straight and realizes he just had a weak moment due to alcohol. I know I did. However, my feelings for him are real. Very real. You're probably wondering why I keep doing this to myself ... reopening these wounds, torturing myself, going down a path where the destination is fairly certain. I don't know. Maybe this is why I haven't been strongly interested in another guy for the past few months. Maybe this is still part of the healing process. However, something deep down inside of me thinks that this feels so real, it can't be wrong. Can I really have such strong feelings of love for someone who doesn't or won't love me back? Surely my heart wouldn't want someone who had zero feelings for me, right? Maybe the fact that there's the potential for something there that has kept me from resolving my feelings for The Ex. Maybe I can't move on because I don't want to move on? Is he really "the one" and this is just what has to happen until we're back together? Like a holding pattern around the airport before the plane comes in for a landing.

But how long am I supposed to wait? What if my heart IS wrong? I can't keep going through this process. I just can't. When the wounds reopen like they did last night and today, it is almost all consuming. I can barely focus on anything else. I just want to knock myself out to numb the pain ... being unconscious is the only thing that can keep my mind and my heart from dwelling on The Ex. When I'm awake, I'm on the constant brink of tears. What's worse is that I have spent all day standing on the edge of an emotional cliff, but not falling over. I have barely shed a tear, but feel like i need to bawl. Why can't I?

Uncomfortable as it may be, and even though I may be dooming myself to short-term depression, I probably need to have a frank, sober conversation with The Ex so that we can ascertain our feelings for one another. No more of this "see you every two months at a party and you start giving me signals and telling me you miss me" nonsense. Boyfriend or not, it's evident that he still feels something for me. What that is, I don't know, and maybe he doesn't either. We both deserve that. We either need to date or be done for good.