Mixed Messages

Two weeks ago, on a Sunday, the Ex and I wound up at the same bar: the bar where you always bump into everyone you know if you find yourself out on a Sunday. Now, we've chatted on instant messenger ever so often, but hadn't seen each other in a month and a half. I had been drinking for a while; he hadn't had that much. I don't know how it happened, but I woke up in his bed on Monday morning. No, we didn't do anything; not even so much as kiss, cuddle, or whatever. Feeling embarrassed for how drunk I was, I quickly got myself together and left. Oddly enough, though, the Ex wasted no time chatting me up again on instant messenger. I thought for sure he would want to keep me at a significant distance for a while. So things were back to normal.

Or were there? The following weekend, on a Saturday, I was out with my friends at a different bar/club. The Ex calls me and asks where I am. I tell him. He says "I'm coming to meet you all, I'm ready to leave the people I'm with." Not exactly who I wanted to hang out with on a Saturday night, but hell, there were several of us there and he knew pretty much everyone with me. He shows up and it's a reversal of the previous Sunday: he's drunk, and I'm not. He basically stands with me the whole night, like we were together, is a little physically affectionate, and then tells me things like "I miss you," and "I miss us." Taken aback, I told my friends that if he doesn't leave soon, I was going to, as this was turning out to be some sort of mindfuck. I finally convince him to take a cab home (or somewhere besides here), and that's the end of that.

Then last Monday, he IM's me and asks if I'll join him for happy hour, as he has some networking event for his trade profession. Having already made plans with a friend from out-of-town who was in DC for work, the decision was easy. Tuesday I leave for Portland/Seattle for the rest of the week. He IM's me Wednesday night to check in, then Thursday he calls me at 8pm EDT to invite me to drinks, forgetting I was in Seattle.

Now, at this point I'm starting to let him creep back in a little and am actually getting a vibe. Could he really be interested in getting back together? Is this why he has been pursuing me the past two weeks? Not that I would jump at the chance, but if he was truly serious and wasn't just looking for a quick shag, I would have to at least consider the idea. I still love him (n.b., I still love my first Ex, too; for me, the love always exists in some form), but I would be a masochist to put myself through that emotional rollercoaster if he wasn't really serious about getting back together.

Saturday I'm walking with one of my close friends who mentions to me that the Ex told him that he's seeing someone new. "What?" I ask, honestly caught off guard a little. It was at that point that I finally had to confess the prior two weeks communications and note that I half thought that he may want to get back together. My friend tells me, "um, could we please not have act two of this drama? Act one was difficult enough." So noted. But then what in the hell does the Ex want if he doesn't want to get back together? Why the sudden interest in me again?

Saturday I go out with a different friend of mine whom I haven't seen in nearly two months; The Ex briefly dated his roommate and best friend this winter. The Ex did come up briefly in the context of his sudden interest in me again. My friend asks me "so did you hear the news about him?" with a mischievous grin. I said "um, no, what is is?" My friend suddenly does a figurative backflip and says "well, on second thought I can't tell you." Of course, I'm going mad now: "tell me" I ask him. He won't, and ultimately changes the subject. So now I'm left to wonder, what the hell could it be? Even though it has nothing to do with me, I'm almost certain, I have this weird sickness to need to know the dirt/gossip on the Ex. It's almost like a feel a sense of entitlement since I had to put up with all the drama of this past fall, and I need to know the truth about him ... especially if it's something that could otherwise make me see him in a different light and extinguish the lingering feelings I have for him.

Honestly, I don't think the Ex is malicious. Like I've mentioned before, he can be a little immature and selfish. But the truth of the matter is that I don't think even he knows what he wants. Not just from me, but in general with all guys. So it's not like I can say "um, so what do you want from me" and he'll say "okay, it's this."

I guess it would have been a lot easier to brush off his quasi-advances had I been dating someone, or had I even had a few good prospects in the pool. I've been out with a few guys, and talked to others, but no one yet has piqued my interest like the Ex did ... someone with whom I have a lot of compatibility in so many ways. Sure, there are plenty of good guys, but they fail in one category or more. Add that to the fact that I see plenty of people around me getting together and dating one another, and I have found myself saying "I'm going to die alone" more than my share of times recently. Of course, I am the type who doesn't even attempt to date someone if I can read the writing on the wall. I've always thought "why bother dating someone when you know it's to fail eventually?" I typically date guys with whom I see myself having a serious relationship. Otherwise I'll just turn it into a hookup or something of the same sort.

But short of a clear explanation of why the Ex is suddenly interested in talking to me with greater frequency, I'm going to try and keep him at arm's length. If I don't "just say no," then I see a bruised heart in my future.

Mama is Freeee-eee ... Ow!