Rantings and Ravings of D-Town

This Thing Still Exists?

2009-04-16T11:45:00.001Z

Admittedly I've not been in much of a blogging mood over the past several months. I don't plan on deleting this myself, since I originally started it as a journal-esque venture. I think it's important to see what I've felt and been through in the past. Who knows, if I ever date again, I may get dumped and have another man to vent about on here!

It's been a tough few months for me. I'm coming to a crossroads in my personal and professional life, and I've felt quite rudderless. Now, that's not to say that I've not had any fun or laughed at all. Those who know me know that I'm quite the clown when the time is right, and I've kept up my reputation as a silly jokester. But when the laughter subsides, my average mood has gone from a five to a three. My life feels empty, and I've lost interest in my job. Now, each day is different, and some days I feel happy with life. And if someone came to me and asked me if I have a good life, my first inclination is to still say "yes." Sure, I'd like to tweak my personal and professional life some, but I still have wonderful friends and family in my life who love me. I still get to travel quite a bit (albeit just for work recently), and I've got a very secure job that doesn't leave me stressed out. If I died today I'd still look back and say that I had a GREAT life.

So I'm working through some challenges in my life right now. It'll take time for me to re-engineer my life so that I can be happy on a consistent, day-to-day basis, but I'm 100% confident that I'm going to be able to do it. It may and probably will involve some decisions which may not be easy at first, including a likely physical relocation, but I know I'll come out a better, and happier, person. Wish me luck!

Onward & Upward

2008-07-29T00:30:00.001Z

It isn't perfect, but I wanted to post on here to let you all know that life is good right now. While I'm still somewhat disillusioned with regards to my career direction, my personal life is humming along pretty well. I've taken a more active role in planning my social life and have reached out to friends with whom I haven't spent much time over the past several months. It's had a two-pronged effect: hanging out with new people has given me a better sense of self and a new perspective on group dynamics and friendships, and it has also helped reinforce the long-standing friendships that I already have. I have had a great time getting to know people that have previously been acquaintances, but when I'm back with my closer friends I appreciate better their relationships with me.

Not to mention that -- true to the cliché of finding a date when you least expect it -- I have met new boys with whom I will likely go out. I didn't aggressively pursue any of them; they just kind of fell in my lap (or hopefully vice-versa, REOW!). I had a first date with one tonight which went smashingly. Of course I have no idea if he will pan out, but the first step is always the first date. I'll probably go out with two more sometime soon, but there's a third in which I am particularly interested. I met him this past weekend and spent a decent amount with him over the weekend; however, I think he thinks of me as a friend at this point. That's fine, but I found myself strongly attracted to his personality in addition to the physical attraction (the latter of the the two being the easier match normally). We shared a very similar sense of humor, which is hugely important to me. That feature alone will score you big points. So we'll see; at worst he'd be a fun new friend. Well, at worst he'd sue me for sexual harassment, but I doubt it will come to that.

I am in the middle of a quasi-two week vacation (meaning that I'm generally out of the office, but not 100%), and it's been wonderful. It's been a long time since I've taken a significant chunk of time off of work and not jetted overseas. I have spent time with my family and some time with DC friends so far. Wednesday I'm leaving for New York and Fire Island, N.Y., for the next five nights. It should be fun, but I fear that when it's time to head back to work on Tuesday, August 5, I'll be so exhausted that I'll be tempted to call in sick. After all I'm 31 years-old now; I can't recover quite as quick as I could when I was 21. Still, it should be a great time.

Set Adrift

2008-06-18T15:43:00.000Z

I'm still trying to pinpoint the problem(s), but lately I feel like my life is just sputtering along ... like I'm running in a constant hamster wheel, or I'm just on some sort of autopilot.

I've been very unmotivated in my job over the past several weeks, doing just what I need to do to get by and yet still look impressive/successful. My job isn't a brainless one, but I guess that I've gotten so good at it that I can half-heartedly do it and still come out smelling like roses. It's not like it doesn't have its own challenges, but I've just not felt "challenged" recently, if that makes any sense. I'm not *unhappy* in my job, per se, it's just that I'm starting to feel pretty bored with it. However, when I think of what else that's out there that I wouldn't mind doing, my mind goes blank. Surely there's a job out there that I would find exciting and challenging (but not overwhelming) ... I just can't name it off of the top of my head. Which doesn't mean it doesn't exist; virtually everyone who is in my line of work right now fell into it through a variety of ways. No one enters college thinking "I want to do what D-Town does!" I keep thinking that maybe I would be good in some sort of business development, marketing, strategic partnerships/alliances, or sales role for a creative company. I occasionally glance at jobs at technology organizations, marketing/PR firms, ad agencies, and the like. Maybe I'll update the resume and throw some copies out there. If I don't wind up getting the big raise that my boss promised me (if the finance people say I have to wait a year until the next budget), that may be the catalyst that moves this process forward.

Personally I'm doing okay, but not great. Going to the therapist has certainly been nice, but I'm not making progress as fast as I would like (which shouldn't be a surprise to an impatient person like me). Not to mention that at $180/week, it's putting a strain on the ol' wallet. And god love my friends (I know I do), but it seems we stay stuck in a rut, always doing the same things every week/weekend. Now that the weather is warm, I've been thinking about doing some more outdoors stuff like hiking and maybe even kayaking (something I've never done before). However, it's so hard to get my close friends excited about that kind of stuff. And you've read about my prior moanings and groanings about us not doing anything beachy this summer. Yeah, Toronto Pride will be fun, but we'll just be doing the same stuff there that we would be doing here ... going out on the town. Granted, I still enjoy the nightlife scene quite a bit, but I'm at the point where I'd like to diversify my weekend activities a little more. Hell, I'd even settle for an evening at Wolftrap under the stars with a blanket and a bottle of wine. Life just feels a little empty right now, for lack of a better word (unhappy or a similarly negative adjective is a little to harsh for how I feel). I don't want to blame it on being single, because god knows I don't need a man to make my life feel full (considering I've been single all but seven months of my life), but I'm searching for meaning and purpose in my life now. And don't be coming at me telling me that I need Jesus! lol

A lot of people I know are training for marathons. I've always enjoyed running but just haven't had the motivation to train for one myself. I guess a big reason is that I didn't want to give up one night of my weekend to go to bed early so I could get up and run in the morning. However, now may be the perfect time to start training. There are a little over 19 weeks until the marathon and half-marathon in my hometown. I may not be able to work my way up to a marathon in that short amount of time, but I could most certainly do a half, given that I am usually able to run about five to six miles on an average jaunt. I may just do that; it'd be nice to have a goal in my life to work toward ... giving myself a sense of purpose. I'll have to draw myself up a training schedule.

So anyway, stay tuned as I tweak my life to make it run at optimal performance :-)

Hooray Obama ... It's Almost Over!

2008-06-03T16:40:00.001Z

We can only hope ... but do you realize that our next first lady will either be named Michelle or Cindy? What is this, The Babysitters Club or some such nonsense?

"Would You Trust (The Ex) With Your Heart?"

2008-05-22T17:17:00.000Z

And while I'm sure I have plenty of self-exploration left to go, that one question that my therapist posed to me today after hearing the long explanation about me and The Ex really helped me put him in perspective. Because, although I'd love to trust The Ex with my heart again, in reality, I can't. Not after all that has happened between us. Think about it, if he were to leave his current boyfriend of two months and come back to me, what does that say about his character? And then if he did it to me once, and to another ex once, couldn't he conceivably do it to me yet again? I guess I'd be sitting there waiting for the other shoe to drop ... wondering if he's lying again ('cause lord knows The Ex is a bad liar ... he'd go straight to jail if he tried to lie on the witness stand -- even Hellen Keller could if she were in the courtroom).

So the therapist will be a good thing for me (albeit expensive). I've never been a person who has truly been helped by therapy, but I think that may be because I've had bad therapists or just didn't stick with it enough. I've seen therapists before while in college and afterwards, but it was to address different issues that have since been resolved (mainly dealing with the fact that I'm gay, coming out, stress in my job, etc.). So I'm going to try to stick with this one unless we just don't jive, but it seemed like we would just from our first session.

Last night I watched American Idol for the first time ever. I was invited over to some friends' condo to hang out, and I'm so glad I went. It was very comforting and fun to be with good friends ... there were five of us over. Yeah, I drank too much wine (shocker), but laughing with my friends was great therapy in and of itself.

Now time for my next phase of therapy. A run outside since it's a very mild day (60s). Onward and upward!

Frustration and Irritation

2008-05-21T22:44:00.001Z

Given the dark cloud that has followed me around this week, it's probably no surprise that I've been faily irritable. The least bit of frustration, be it traffic, lines, shortcomings, having to wait, errors, etc., have brought me to the brink of tears, swearing, or shouting. I hate feeling this way, as I generally consider myself a pretty pleasant, flexible person. Ask my friends ... they'll tell you that I normally don't care what we do as a group when we all go out, just as long as we're together.

Though I have to say, after enduring a whole week of "what are you doing this weekend?" And "my friends and I are so excited about the beach house this weekend," it has made me endlessly frustrated. For one thing, I'm not going to the beach this weekend. I'm going down to Atlanta to do housework on my house all weekend with my parents and best friend there. It's the practical choice, of course, given that I'm getting ready to put it on the market (yippee, something else to be stressed about). But I'm also irritated because despite us all talking about going to the beach this summer, my close friends and I didn't get anything planned. And as someone who loves the beach, that leaves me none too pleased. I even turned down a share with a group of other guys because of the house sale and my friends' forthcoming plans. Not everyone loves the beach like I do, nor does everyone make the same money or have the same amount of vacation time. So that I get. But it's little consolation as we approach the jumping-off point of the summer.

I sure hope I can figure out my issues. Things have felt exceptionally dark this week. I can't seem to find pleasure in anything. Nothing that I normally look forward to interests me. I can't think of anything that will take my mind off of my depression besides medication or sleep. I hate it. I'm afraid that it's going to start affecting my job in short order. I can see that coming. I just don't feel motivated to do anything. Worst of all, I just don't think anyone cares. Who can blame them, though? I spent a long time last fall talking about this to the few who would bother listening then. They've paid their dues. Now I just have to learn to deal with this on my own somehow. That's why I am going to a professional tomorrow. I don't know what else is left.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Just Another Sad Love Song Rackin' My Brain

2008-05-21T11:02:00.000Z

You don't *really* realize how many songs there are out there about love until you're hurting because of it. And they all seem to come on the radio, be played over the speaker at stores, come up randomly on your ipod, or be piped into restaurants when you least need to hear them. Trust me, I've heard my share this week, plus some others that, due to association, take me right back to a bad place:

Bleeding Love - Leona Lewis (one I love but have heard ad nauseum the past few days due to its popularity on pop radio)
Open Arms - Journey
Faithfully - Journey
Here and Now - Luther Vandross
Hate That I Love You - Rihanna
I've Been Loving You Too Long - Otis Redding
I'll Still Be Loving You - Restless Hearts
Time to Say Goodbye - Andrea Bocelli and Sara Brightman
I Can't Make You Love Me - Bonnie Raitt
Anytime - Brian McKnight
Your Song - Elton John
No Air - Jordin Sparks & Chris Brown (another one popular on pop radio now)
Like You'll Never See Me Again - Alicia Keys
I'll Be There - The Escape Club (which was actually my senior prom song, how weird)
I Just Can't Stop Loving You - Michael Jackson

And the songs that by association (primarly b/c the remind me of The Ex or remind me of that fateful Labor Day weekend in Rehoboth where my heart was freshly broken), take me there:

The entire second half of John Legend's "Get Lifted" album
Don't Stop The Music (Jody den Broeder Mix) - Rihanna
Ring The Alarm (Freemasons Remix) - Beyonce
Thks Fr Th Mmrs (Lenny B Club Remix) - Fall Out Boy

Yeah, those last ones you won't get (except maybe John Legend) ...

So I am going to see a therapist tomorrow during lunch; my first session with one in a while. Looks like I need professional help to move on since these feelings have been drudged up again after NINE MONTHS and I'm right back where I started. And I asked for a referral from my doctor; I'm paying full freight on this guy because I wanted someone GAY and GOOD, not some half-ass flunky through my insurance who isn't going to help me (the last one was a middle-aged woman who wore panty hose with knock-off teva sandals ... I'm kind of thinking that she's not going to get me, my situation, or how I've been trying to cope). Once I get my head on straight, then I'll decide if it's even worth talking to The Ex about my feelings. After all, it's now Wednesday and things are seemingly back to normal between us again.

Not to mention that my ability to read guys is not as flawless as I once thought. Rewind to last Thursday. I was at a social function where I knew a few people, but only about 5 - 10% of the crowd present. One of my friends brought someone, who I ascertained was a friend of his. Three hours later while several of us were at dinner did I find out that they were on their SECOND DATE. I was a little taken aback since I had been flirting with this guy all night, and I had seemingly been getting it back, including the occasional touch of the arm, etc. But my friend didn't seem bothered by it, so I was like, oh well, it's over.

So the friend's date and I exchanged emails recently just to say hello, and he mentioned that he had a busy week but a "hot date" on Thursday. Given that my calendar is clear this Thursday, I assumed he meant another date with my friend. I confessed that I didn't know they were on a date, and he said "oh, I figured you were just being friendly, I didn't realize you were flirting." So bottom line is that even though I thought my friend's date showed more of an interest in me than my friend on Thursday evening, I totally misread the situation again. Another two single guys find infatuation with one another, and I'm left standing on the sidelines, yet again.

That's what's so frustrating to me. Love is all around me. Everywhere I go I see happy couples (at least in appearance), hear about guys going on successful dates, see the excitement in someone's eyes when they're together with the person that they care about, etc. I see my parents, who have been married for almost 37 years. Hell, I even see successful gay couples (though the odds tend to be against us for some reason). I have two close friends who have been dating for over two years now and seem to be doing quite well (despite the occasional lover's spat, which is to be expected). Hell, even my best friend in Atlanta, who for years felt like he would die alone, has found someone ... they've been dating for over a year and are about to move in together.

I don't begrudge anyone's love at all. In fact, I am quite happy for them. But I'm also insanely jealous. I deserve to have the same love that everyone else has. Why does it work for some people and not for others? I have dated TWO guys in the 8.5 years that I have been open about me being gay. One for three months, and one for four months(ish) ... and they both broke up with me. Do you know how pathetic that is? I don't know what's wrong. I know I'm a catch. I'm smart, attractive, active, outgoing, gregarious, sociable, and reasonably successful. Yes, I know I can be exceptionally loud and abrasive (particularly when I'm drinking), and I have a Southern accent that I'll likely never shake regardless of where I live (which, despite people telling me that they like the accent, apparently never want to consider dating it, lol). But that's what makes me different, in a charming way (at least I thought).

"It'll happen when it happens." "It'll happen when you least expect it." Yeah I know, and they're both true to a point. But it's little consolation when you are feeling vulnerable and rejected. But AM I doing enough to put myself out there? I am constantly at social functions and watering holes where I have the opportunity to meet other guys. Do I need to be more aggressive and ask people out?

Another reason I probably don't date much (beyond many first dates) is that I'm just not willing to put any effort into a relationship at any stage unless I can see it going somewhere. I've always been the type to make the call about a guy not even halfway through dinner. I just feel that I can tell, based on a person's personality, whether it's going to work. Again, maybe I am making that call too fast, as my skills in this area are being called into question (see earlier this post).

Hopefully the therapist will be able to shed some light on the situation. I don't want to have to stay medicated on xanax 24 hours a day, nor do I want to have to move to a new city just to avoid seeing The Ex ... that's certainly not solving the problem. Maybe just keeping the radio off and avoiding all forms of music ... nah, that's no fun either!

Bleeding Love

2008-05-18T23:10:00.000Z

Today's been a tough day emotionally. I saw The Ex for the first time since March (or thereabouts) at a party last night. It was a big party and he got there late, so it wasn't like we were stuck with one another. The thing is, we had a great time together. It was fun hanging out with him; we did have a lot of good times and fun together. It was like old times to a point last night. He's been dating the same guy for the past two months, but he was out of town and wasn't his +1 (another friend I know came along).

However, things did take a dramatic turn towards the end of the night. The Ex pulled me away in a room, just the two of us ... why I wasn't sure. He sat down, and started to cry. Now granted, we had both been drinking and things are a little fuzzy in recollection. He shared with me some bad news from his life, and I don't know what happened ... maybe it was just seeing him in pain and wanting to reach out to him, to let him know that I appreciated the fact that he could share personal information with me still, to let him know that I was there for him in spite of all that had happened between us ... but I told him that I still loved him. And I started tearing up myself. We hugged each other, and tried our best to understand and comfort each other. He wasn't bothered at all by my confession, it seemed. Maybe he still knows. He didn't go into how he feels about me, but I could tell that he still has feelings for me on some level. What those are, who knows. We rejoined the party, and he and his friend ultimately left.

So now here I am, yet again, on the verge of tears all day today, listening to sad songs about love on my ipod. Not knowing what to do next. The Ex and I exchanged brief texts today, but it was of minor consequence and didn't have to do anything with last night. Maybe in the light of day he got his head back on straight and realizes he just had a weak moment due to alcohol. I know I did. However, my feelings for him are real. Very real. You're probably wondering why I keep doing this to myself ... reopening these wounds, torturing myself, going down a path where the destination is fairly certain. I don't know. Maybe this is why I haven't been strongly interested in another guy for the past few months. Maybe this is still part of the healing process. However, something deep down inside of me thinks that this feels so real, it can't be wrong. Can I really have such strong feelings of love for someone who doesn't or won't love me back? Surely my heart wouldn't want someone who had zero feelings for me, right? Maybe the fact that there's the potential for something there that has kept me from resolving my feelings for The Ex. Maybe I can't move on because I don't want to move on? Is he really "the one" and this is just what has to happen until we're back together? Like a holding pattern around the airport before the plane comes in for a landing.

But how long am I supposed to wait? What if my heart IS wrong? I can't keep going through this process. I just can't. When the wounds reopen like they did last night and today, it is almost all consuming. I can barely focus on anything else. I just want to knock myself out to numb the pain ... being unconscious is the only thing that can keep my mind and my heart from dwelling on The Ex. When I'm awake, I'm on the constant brink of tears. What's worse is that I have spent all day standing on the edge of an emotional cliff, but not falling over. I have barely shed a tear, but feel like i need to bawl. Why can't I?

Uncomfortable as it may be, and even though I may be dooming myself to short-term depression, I probably need to have a frank, sober conversation with The Ex so that we can ascertain our feelings for one another. No more of this "see you every two months at a party and you start giving me signals and telling me you miss me" nonsense. Boyfriend or not, it's evident that he still feels something for me. What that is, I don't know, and maybe he doesn't either. We both deserve that. We either need to date or be done for good.

Just One of 'Dem Days ...

2008-04-29T16:25:00.000Z

I'm just annoyed, that's all. No real problems in my life, just little stuff that's bugging me:

-I just got a call from my doctor's office because I submitted a refill for a daily prescription that I take. The assistant with whom I spoke told me that I had to come in the office for a checkup and that from now on I had to come in every THREE MONTHS just for the hell of it. Ugh, what is the point of me taking a third of a day off and pay an insurance copay to go to the doctor's office to have a conversation with my doctor just for the hell of it? I mean, this is rather pointless. Sure, it's under the guise of "my health" or whatever, but why the sudden change after I've been going to him for almost 18 months?

-I've been getting a bill for $30 from my dermatologist for something in January. Now, $30 is my required copay for specialists, but there's no way I would have left without paying. They wouldn't let me out the door. Of course, the billing is done off-site, and I'm sure that whatever outsourced company I call will just look on a screen and tell me that I owe $30 without explanation as to why. I haven't bothered calling yet because I just don't feel like it. I've been to the dermatologist at least three times since then, and this unpaid balance hasn't been a problem.

-I've also recently received a statement in the mail from my cancelled MasterCard for something like $300. I cancelled this card back in January with a zero balance, confirmed it with the agent on the phone, and received a letter indicating as such. This is the first statement I've gotten since January, and I'm sure they'll claim it's for some bullshit partial-billing cycle interest payment, plus accumulated late charges. At the time I thought "wow, this sure was a lot easier than I thought it was going to be" since I know that a lot of credit card companies will make you jump through hoops to try to cancel your account. Again, I haven't bothered to call because I just don't feel like going through the whole automated rigamarole on phone, waiting on hold for eight to ten minutes, and then explaining my situation to an agent and waging a war over it. Maybe when I'm painfully bored I'll deal with it.

-While I'm trying to keep my financial commitments low in lieu of my home repairs and subsequent sale, I can't help but long for a trip of some kind about which I can get excited. I'll have a few beach weekends coming up this summer (S.C. with the family and then Rehoboth and Fire Island with friends), nothing's set in stone, plus I want to do something fun with my close friends here in DC. We had these grandiose plans to rent a house in Provincetown, Mass., this summer and then go to a fun urban (probably Pride) weekend somewhere. Well, P-Town has fallen through because not everyone wants to spend what it's going to take to rent something in high season there, and our decided-upon pride weekend, Chicago, is not inspiring much excitement in us all (since we picked it at random and not because we heard it was a fun weekend, per se). Plus my two friends in Chicago said Market Days in August was more fun then Pride in June. So who knows, we may just scrap Chicago and go back to San Francisco, our old tried-and-true. But as a beach lover, I'm still really bummed that we haven't been able to pull something together for the summer. Not only that, I actually TURNED DOWN offers to join other people's shares in Rehoboth this summer because I thought that my close friends were going to do something. UGH!!!

-Yesterday was my first day back in the gym on the weights in a solid month. Between being sick for a couple of weeks with early-spring congestion and such and my grueling travel schedule, I just haven't had the energy or desire to hit the weights. Though yesterday was a struggle and I didn't do my original full routine, I did leave feeling better and satisfied with what I did do. So I'm going to make a special effort to go every day this week (save for Friday, which will be haircut day). My friend Matt's coming down from New York for the weekend, and I know for a fact I won't make it anywhere near the gym while he's in town. Mercifully I am still slender and have kept off the 25lbs that I lost last fall. Now I just need to tone up a little and I'll be set for swimsuit season (well, plus some trip to the fake bake, lol).

-My psoriasis has been acting up the past few weeks due to my illness and my having missed two doses of my current treatment method (injected medication), but I think I'm starting to get a handle on it. Again, I'll have to rid myself of my "spots" (with the help of the aformentioned treatment and some tanning) before I can hit the pool or beach this summer.

-A lot of my clothes, and in particular most of my dress clothes, don't fit due to the weight loss. Yes, I know, better they be too loose than too tight, but the fact that all of my suits look like sacks on me is not flattering. Not to mention my shoe wardrobe could use a little freshening up, too. I've been good about keeping discretionary spending low recently, so I just need to get to work on some clothes and shoe shopping.

-And I wish Hillary Clinton would just go away.

Mixed Messages

2008-03-17T16:41:00.000Z

Two weeks ago, on a Sunday, the Ex and I wound up at the same bar: the bar where you always bump into everyone you know if you find yourself out on a Sunday. Now, we've chatted on instant messenger ever so often, but hadn't seen each other in a month and a half. I had been drinking for a while; he hadn't had that much. I don't know how it happened, but I woke up in his bed on Monday morning. No, we didn't do anything; not even so much as kiss, cuddle, or whatever. Feeling embarrassed for how drunk I was, I quickly got myself together and left. Oddly enough, though, the Ex wasted no time chatting me up again on instant messenger. I thought for sure he would want to keep me at a significant distance for a while. So things were back to normal.

Or were there? The following weekend, on a Saturday, I was out with my friends at a different bar/club. The Ex calls me and asks where I am. I tell him. He says "I'm coming to meet you all, I'm ready to leave the people I'm with." Not exactly who I wanted to hang out with on a Saturday night, but hell, there were several of us there and he knew pretty much everyone with me. He shows up and it's a reversal of the previous Sunday: he's drunk, and I'm not. He basically stands with me the whole night, like we were together, is a little physically affectionate, and then tells me things like "I miss you," and "I miss us." Taken aback, I told my friends that if he doesn't leave soon, I was going to, as this was turning out to be some sort of mindfuck. I finally convince him to take a cab home (or somewhere besides here), and that's the end of that.

Then last Monday, he IM's me and asks if I'll join him for happy hour, as he has some networking event for his trade profession. Having already made plans with a friend from out-of-town who was in DC for work, the decision was easy. Tuesday I leave for Portland/Seattle for the rest of the week. He IM's me Wednesday night to check in, then Thursday he calls me at 8pm EDT to invite me to drinks, forgetting I was in Seattle.

Now, at this point I'm starting to let him creep back in a little and am actually getting a vibe. Could he really be interested in getting back together? Is this why he has been pursuing me the past two weeks? Not that I would jump at the chance, but if he was truly serious and wasn't just looking for a quick shag, I would have to at least consider the idea. I still love him (n.b., I still love my first Ex, too; for me, the love always exists in some form), but I would be a masochist to put myself through that emotional rollercoaster if he wasn't really serious about getting back together.

Saturday I'm walking with one of my close friends who mentions to me that the Ex told him that he's seeing someone new. "What?" I ask, honestly caught off guard a little. It was at that point that I finally had to confess the prior two weeks communications and note that I half thought that he may want to get back together. My friend tells me, "um, could we please not have act two of this drama? Act one was difficult enough." So noted. But then what in the hell does the Ex want if he doesn't want to get back together? Why the sudden interest in me again?

Saturday I go out with a different friend of mine whom I haven't seen in nearly two months; The Ex briefly dated his roommate and best friend this winter. The Ex did come up briefly in the context of his sudden interest in me again. My friend asks me "so did you hear the news about him?" with a mischievous grin. I said "um, no, what is is?" My friend suddenly does a figurative backflip and says "well, on second thought I can't tell you." Of course, I'm going mad now: "tell me" I ask him. He won't, and ultimately changes the subject. So now I'm left to wonder, what the hell could it be? Even though it has nothing to do with me, I'm almost certain, I have this weird sickness to need to know the dirt/gossip on the Ex. It's almost like a feel a sense of entitlement since I had to put up with all the drama of this past fall, and I need to know the truth about him ... especially if it's something that could otherwise make me see him in a different light and extinguish the lingering feelings I have for him.

Honestly, I don't think the Ex is malicious. Like I've mentioned before, he can be a little immature and selfish. But the truth of the matter is that I don't think even he knows what he wants. Not just from me, but in general with all guys. So it's not like I can say "um, so what do you want from me" and he'll say "okay, it's this."

I guess it would have been a lot easier to brush off his quasi-advances had I been dating someone, or had I even had a few good prospects in the pool. I've been out with a few guys, and talked to others, but no one yet has piqued my interest like the Ex did ... someone with whom I have a lot of compatibility in so many ways. Sure, there are plenty of good guys, but they fail in one category or more. Add that to the fact that I see plenty of people around me getting together and dating one another, and I have found myself saying "I'm going to die alone" more than my share of times recently. Of course, I am the type who doesn't even attempt to date someone if I can read the writing on the wall. I've always thought "why bother dating someone when you know it's to fail eventually?" I typically date guys with whom I see myself having a serious relationship. Otherwise I'll just turn it into a hookup or something of the same sort.

But short of a clear explanation of why the Ex is suddenly interested in talking to me with greater frequency, I'm going to try and keep him at arm's length. If I don't "just say no," then I see a bruised heart in my future.

Mama is Freeee-eee ... Ow!

2008-03-10T22:27:00.000Z

Dreaming of the Beach

2008-02-28T11:20:00.000Z

This winter has been particularly long and cold here in DC. No, we haven't had any more snow than we usually have (it's snowed a few times, a few inches, but nothing big), and, yes, it is bright and sunny outside today (with a high of 35, I might add), but it just seems like we've had unrelenting cold and wind for quite some time now. Add to the fact that I spent a week in Chicago back in January and four nights in Berlin earlier this month, and part of me thinks that my bones will never warm up again outside of a gym.

Even though I just got back from a mini-vacation (Berlin), I feel like I desperately need to break away for a few days to a warm locale ... one where I can lie on the beach and do next to nothing but read and listen to my iPod. I've been shopping for award seats in the Caribbean, Mexico, and Central America. I found seats to Costa Rica for next weekend, and I've been seriously considering it. However, I have no one to go with (not a problem for me, obviously), and frankly I'm trying to really cut back on expenses with my impending home sale this summer in Atlanta. Which is why I targeted Costa Rica to begin with. Other destinations in that region (Caribbean in particular) don't offer basic hotel rooms for under $100. I found seats to St. Thomas, but you can't do the USVI on the cheap. Hell, I'd be happy going to Ft Lauderdale or Key West, but a decent hotel room in a decent location will cost some coin. And having used Marriott points for Berlin, I don't have enough to use for a hotel in Florida that isn't 30 miles from the ocean. Not to mention I couldn't find award seats there (and buying a ticket at this stage of the game is out of my budget).

So I guess I will continue dreaming of the beach and warmer weather. After all, I'll be heading down to Charleston for the bridge run in a month, and even though it won't be lying-out weather, it will still be a helluva lot warmer than DC is right now!

"It Is a Race! I Hope I Win!"

2007-12-05T15:12:00.000Z

So said Rowan Atkinson's character in Rat Race. He was racing for a prize of $10 million; he had a goal in site and knew when he would reach the ending. He knew that was how the race would be measured: whoever got the prize money first would be the winner. It was a real race, not one that was just fabricated in his mind.

So in the time that has passed between the last post about the Ex, I have moved past the point of wanting to get back together. Ick ... no. My trip to Europe came at a good time and helped put a lot of perspective on things. Sure, we still keep in contact, and I see him out on average once a week. I got him a small gift for his birthday (a book that he told me he wanted a while back), which he seemed to appreciate. So things continue to move in a positive direction for us friends-wise.

However, there's still tension, most of which felt internally on my part. It's primary source is embarrassment from even having dated him. He's shown me (and others) some not-too-admirable parts of his personality, and while I chalk it up to mainly immaturity and self-centeredness, it has jolted me from wanting to date him anytime in the near future.

So why do I care anymore? Well, two reasons. I somehow feel that the worse he acts, the worse it makes me look. Remember, he dumped me, so I apprently wasn't good enough for him (not entirely accurate, I know, but worse case scenario that's what I fear people will think). The second reason is, as I hinted above, we're in a race in my mind: a race to be the most popular, the most connected, the most successful, the most desireable .... All of this is subjective, of course. Who's to say who has the better body or the better looking face? People have different types and find different things desireable. How do you know who's winning? How do you know when the race is over? The bottom line is you don't ... you can't. So is it really a race if there is no objective measure of success or victory?

Plus I've put myself in some masochistic corner ... the more I hear about his shenanigans, I feel like it makes me look foolish. BUT it also makes me think he's more popular than I am. I know, so junior high, right? But the mind and heart are strange things. It ISN'T a contest. But since I was the dumped instead of the dumper, for some reason I feel this duty to look as if it doesn't phase me, like I bounced right back and I'm better off than I was, like the Ex and I not being together is a good thing (which I know it is ultimately). The Ex, being the dumper, already has a leg up on me, I feel, so I have to save face somehow.

Hey, tsk tsk and shake your head all you want, and I DO realize that I'm talking crazy talk, but I have made a lot of progress in three months, both internally and externally with the Ex. In fact, I had a date with one of his friends last weekend. It went well, he's a nice guy, but it probably won't go anywhere ultimately (just a hunch). But I'll probably see him a couple more times before I pull the plug (just to make sure). And while none have turned into much, I am going out and meeting lots of people, so who knows ;).

The Magic of Planet Unicorn

2007-10-29T12:06:00.000Z

Okay folks, I know I am behind this times, but it's been barely over a week since I learned about the absolute magic and joy that is Planet Unicorn. Sometime last weekend someone told Kai at the bar that he sounded just like Feathers. He's like "what?" So Clay, Kai, and I watch and fall in love with the five short animated episodes that were made. If you have no idea what I am talking about, go to YouTube (or hell, I think the above website has them you can watch, too) and watch them. Do it. Because if I get my nerves up, I will post a picture of this past weekend's Halloween shenanigans, where Kai and I decided to dress up like two of the unicorns from the show. We look absolutely ridiculous, but totally amazing. I mean, who comes to a party as a gay unicorn? For those who had no clue who we were (and no, we were not My Little Pony) we would, as if on cue, go right into the theme song. I may have to buy the ringtone. Ugh, save me now!!!

Riding Through October

2007-10-26T13:28:00.001Z

1) The HRC Dinner

So that was a magical evening. Clay invited me to join him as he got two free tickets from someone whose company sponsored the Dinner. So we got dolled up in our rented tuxedos (it was the first time I had worn one in 11 years!), went to JRs for a little preparty, walked around the HRC silent auction, and then took our seats. Of course, being the VIPs that we were (lol), got sat at a table right along the stage, about halfway from the center to the wall. So we had excellent views of the side of the stage and of all those about to walk out on stage to speak. The food was, of course, phenomenal, there was lots of free wine, and the event was styled glamorously. We kept calling it the Gay Oscars, because that was how it was styled and directed. During the silent auction we were approached and invited by someone to an open bar after party at Halo, so of course we went :). Not only that, the celebrities pictured in the previous posts were in attendance, as well. It was a HOT evening where I barely spent a dime and looked great. Can't wait until next year!

2) European Holiday

Two days after the HRC Dinner I hopped a plane and headed to Budapest. My first night was spent in the town of Eger, which is about two hours east of Budapest and is known for its red wine. It was a beautiful baroque town and a great day/overnight trip. The next day I headed back to Budapest on the train and got settled into my fantastic studio apartment in Budapest. I stayed there for four nights and just soaked up all Budapest had to offer. I went out, went to a thermal bath, tourned the Buda Castle, visited St. Stephen's Basilica, walked around Europe's largest Synagogue, and made my way up and down many a street. It's a great city with lots of engery that you can see is in constant flux. Many of the buildings could use a good scrubbing and a new paint job, but that kind of added to the "new frontier" feeling of the city. Don't get me wrong, despite that there were lots of awesome restaurants, bars, clubs, and shops. I'd go back in a minute and take an entourage with me.

I left Budapest on a 6.5 hour train to Prague, which was a neat journey (although I will admit it did get a little trying towards the end, as the train got fuller and fuller as the journey progressed). Prague was beautfiul and charming. It's slightly smaller than Budapest, feels more quaint, is more tidy and spotless, and has about twenty times more tourists. I spent three nights in Prague and did largely the same things that I did in Budapest. I walked all over town; took tons of pictures of the gorgeous buildings, bridges, vistas, and churches in town; experienced a touch of local nightlife (although I was there in the early part of the week); and ate some local grub. By the end of the trip I was ready to head home, but I thoroughly enjoyed myself in both cities and look forward to sharing my experiences with friends and family.

3) Halloween Party I

So last Saturday night was the first of three weekends of costume parties on my calendar this year. Now, normally I don't dress up for Halloween. Yes, I know it's Gay Christmas, but I've never been very creative at coming up with a costume and then respectufully implementing it. The expense, the time, the hassle ... it took the "owee" out of "Halloween." When I was 23 I went as Zorro when I was in San Francisco, and that looked and played well (but I have Keri to thank mostly for that costume looking as good as it did). Since then I think I have donned my trusty Mexican sarape and sombrero that I got in Nogales (border town south of Tucson) in 1993 on my family vacation a few times. Plus, many times I am tied up for Halloween or otherwise am not available for dress-up.

However, when Chuck told me that he, Abbas, and David had cooked up the idea of a group costume of Miss Universe contestants, I couldn't resist. Of course I had two whole days to pull it together, not including all the time dedicated to my job, of course. So I picked Hungary, since I had just been there and knew that all I had to do was find tight fitting clothes that didn't match and a wig with a bad dye job. After stops at H&M, Filene's Basement, a costume shop, and CVS, voila! I was Miss Hungary. I'm not posting pictures *yet* because I'm taking her out of mothballs two more times before all is said and done, and I may make some improvements to last week's debut. I have to say though, my fellow contestants were awesome. They really put their best feet forward. And the party was a blast :).

Hello Out There ...

2007-10-26T09:59:00.000Z

I know he's out there, but ...

So there's this guy that I've known peripherally for a while now, but we've never really spent any time together besides the occasional "hi" or what not. I've always found him quite attractive, and I think he feels the same way about me. Until recently he had been in a long-term relationship which ended about three months ago. So Sunday we were at a party that was pretty low-key, so we had time to talk to each other for good long while. We also left the party at the same time and then walked home together (his house was on the way to mine). We've also exchanged emails all week. I'm totally smitten with him now. Not only am I attracted to him physically, but his personality totally meshes with mine. He's outgoing, gregarious, silly, goofy, and socially at ease. However, I got the sense that because we have too many mutual friends that he wasn't really interested in dating me. Plus, he JUST got out of a long relationship so I figured that he wasn't interested in dating anyone again. Well, his last email mentions that he had a great date last night and that the guy and him got along smashingly. It was kind of like a punch in the chest. I know all hope is not lost, and I don't even know for sure that he knows that I would go out with him myself. We do have some different interests, but that obviously is not a dealbreaker.

It's just frustrating to meet someone that you are attracted to both personality-wise and physically, then they are unavailable for whatever reason. Yeah, I meet plenty of guys that I'm attracted to physically, but sometimes it's just that. I am very ready to date someone that I am attracted to beyond just looks, but it just hasn't worked out (well the Ex fit the bill, but that's history). I'm not jealous of anyone who has that with someone. Well, I take that back; I am jealous, but I'm not resentful or wish them ill will. Everyone deserves that, and I know I'll get that, but, while hookups are fun, they're far from lasting and meaningful. I guess that's what happens when you've been out on the gay town for eight years. You still enjoy what you've been doing for the past several years, but you want more. Or rather, different.

So here's to all of us. They're out there, we just all find them in our own due time. Some of us are just more patient than others :).

You Put, That Thing, On Me, That Thing, Baby

2007-10-04T22:36:00.000Z

You have to be dead inside if you don't feel like moving to this song and video. Oldie (well from 2005) but goodie!!!! God bless the Freemasons, my favorite DJs ...

Happy Post!

2007-10-02T23:54:00.000Z

Okay, so I've been droopy dog recently. So I thought I'd share these two good things (three if you count the sweet Bully above):

1) I weighed myself at the gym today, and I have lost a total of 17 pounds since my rededication to health about a month ago. I still can't believe it. I can really tell a difference in the mirror now. And it's taken an effort, but really hasn't been that bad ... at least now that I've broken many habits eating- and workout-wise.

2) Whenever I get a new cell phone, I throw the old one and it's associated chargers in a wooden box in my apartment just in case I need them in the future (should I lose my current one, it breaks temporarily, etc.). There wasn't enough room for it in there, so I had to clean out some other stuff. My old Sony Discman, which I think was even broken, was taking up too much room so I decided to chuck it. But before I threw it out, I thought to check and see if there was a CD in there. There was ... the CD that my a capella group cut in college!!! I had been looking for that thing for over three years. I thought it was long gone. It's the only CD with my voice on it, so it's special to me. It's now on my iTunes and iPod! Yippee!

3) Okay, there were three things. Today my friend Clay and I got fitted for tuxedos and had lunch, 'cause we're going to the HRC National Dinner on Saturday! I'm so excited, I have not worn a tuxedo in 11 years, and it's my first HRC Dinner. Plus we have friends attending Miss Adams Morgan (during which all attendees, as well as contestants, dress in drag) that same night, so we will all look fantastic for pre-event cocktails at Juniors. And I have to say, I will definitely take pictures ;).

The Incredible Changing Ex

2007-10-02T11:06:00.000Z

I was chatting with one of my close friends this morning about the Ex (I found out yet another juicy detail about the Ex that is none too pleasing to me), and he pointed out something that I really hadn't thought about before. I said that the Ex doesn't seem to be the same person that he was when I first met him, and my friend said "maybe you just never met the real (Ex)."

I never thought about it, but he may be on to something. When I met the Ex, he had only been back in DC for about a month after having been away for two years. He was staying in temporary quarters, didn't know a whole lot of people yet, and was just getting acclimated to his new job. Things were great at first, but since I've known him, he's changed, and not in a good way. He went from being a sweet, thoughtful, kind, caring person to morphing into some sort of selfish, shallow, tacky jezebel. He's not the person that I fell in love with, and maybe he never was. Maybe he was just getting his footing in town and has only recently gotten comfortable enough here in DC to let his true colors show.

I've removed him from chat buddy lists, dropped him from my top friends on MySpace, and am trying my best to not run into him or hear about him in any way. I did want to be friends with him, but maybe I don't now if he's really the person that I see him as now. I am usually an optimistic person when it comes to people, and I do think there is some good inside him. However, he's just emotionally immature, and until that changes, I don't know if there is a future for us, even as friends. It's hard to tell right now since the wounds are still fresh, but who knows what the future holds.

It's weird, but I seem to be most concerned with saving face in this whole scenario. Everyone knows that the Ex pulled the plug on us -- not me -- so I'm already seen as the dumped. Lots of people probably know that I'm still struggling with the situation a month later, but I don't want to seem unstable or obsessed. And the more his true colors come out, I don't want it to be a poor reflection on my judgement and character. I know it's inaccurate and wrong to think of things in terms of "winner" and "loser," but that's how I've been approaching this situation emotionally. I want to come out the winner, or at least as a non-loser.

'Cause I'm a Survivor ... :)

San Francisco, You Filthy Whore ...

2007-10-01T18:27:00.000Z

So I'm back from San Francisco, and of course the idea that I would come back on the red-eye, clean up, and head to the office was certainly laughable when I landed with no voice, a hangover, and chapped lips. Once home I took a four hour nap and am still zapped with no energy. Plus I have tons of laundry to fold that I washed on Thursday. And dirty dishes to wash. And I have to unpack. But it was all worth it :).

Chris and Brian had a couple's weekend since their two-year anniversary is next weekend and they'll all be in Chicago for the marathon. Bernie and I didn't see them until Sunday afternoon, so it was just the two of us single gals on the town on Friday and Saturday night. We didn't do anything out of the ordinary, just a little shopping and a lot of going out.

Well, Sunday was out of the ordinary for sure. Folsom Street Fair is about five blocks long and they have all the requisite fair food and vendor booths. Well, the fair food is typical, but the vendor booths were not. Lots of porn sites, leather/fetish wear, flogging demonstrations and the like. Very interesting. And I can't even begin to tackle the outfits that were on display. Just Google Folsom Street Fair and I'm sure there will be a wide collection of images. It was fun to walk around and take it all in.

Mercifully I am not traveling this week. I need several days here in town to hit the gym hard again, eat very well, and prepare for my trip to Europe in one week.

I didn't think about the Ex all that much this past weekend. I did get into a little funk on Saturday night before we went out because I found out that the person with whom he hooked up at the beach was in the house with us and is an acquaintance/friend of mine. I'm not even remotely mad at the friend, I'm just disappointed and annoyed at the Ex. It's like he's not even the same person that he was when I first met him. I've been surprised at how selfish he has been in the aftermath of our breakup. He seems to have no regard for my feelings and won't let that even begin to get in the way of his sleeping around. It'd be less of an issue if it was with people that I didn't know. Somehow his sleeping around with people who know us both makes me look foolish, or at least that's what I think/feel. This won't last forever, but right now it still stings.

But this weekend, yeah, it was a great confidence booster. I'm as thin as I've been in a long time, all of my pants and shorts are annoyingly loose, and I got lots of looks and attention from the boys. And I have one less pair of underwear than I had before I left. Oh, shenanigans, thy name is San Francisco.

In the Blink of an Eye ...

2007-09-26T21:34:00.000Z

... things can change. It turns out that I am, in fact, going to San Francisco this weekend. The Ex sent me a chat message this morning telling me that he's decided to back out because he miscalculated his expenses this month. He just moved and he's broke, after all. Kind of funny that he realized that within the past 24 hours, but either way, I'm going!

Two things stuck out of my phone conversation yesterday with the Ex that actually are good for me. They're not good things per se, and they reflect poorly on his character. While I don't delight in anyone's faults, it is starting to help me see that he's not the infallable guy that I once thought he was. He's still a good person at heart, I do believe, but he screwed up once and disappointed me once yesterday. He's human so of course he's not perfect, but to me he was in some ways, and I have to start to realize that it's not the case.

L.A. has been a fine trip, albeit another short one. I kind of was looking forward to doing nothing this weekend in DC, but come on, rest in DC can wait another weekend.

I didn't mention this before, but this weekend is Folsom Street fair in San Francisco, which, for those who don't know, is a big leather/fetish weekend. When we booked our ultra-cheap United tickets (thanks to Virgin America's fare drop and United's fare fuck-up), we just decided we'd go that weekend for the hell of it. Now, lord knows that I'm no angel, but Folsom will definitely be a bit off my normal routine. The only black leather thing I own is a light jacket (well, and dress shoes). And the only black rubber I own are the Goodyears on my car. But hell, I'm just there to have a good time and enjoy the scenery. Maybe I'll learn (or meet) a few new tricks.

(Speaking of, does anyone have this guy's contact information, Friendster, MySpace, or Facebook profile lying about somewhere? Would you be a doll and pass it along to me? Thanks dahlings ...)

The Case of the Ex

2007-09-25T21:07:00.000Z

Now let me preface this post by pointing out that this is not going to be a fun or entertaining one. I'm going through a lot right now emotionally, and I just feel the need to get some of it out. It's probably going to be a long one, too. :)

So the Ex and I are officially done. I mean, we were taking a break for a while, but on the Friday before Labor Day weekend -- before we all went to the beach together, mind you -- he basically told me that we were never, ever getting back together and that he had decided over the course of our break that he just wants to be friends with me. Fair enough, but we're talking about emotions here, and they don't always follow logic.

At some point since I have known the Ex, and I'm not 100% sure if it was when we were actually dating or breaking, I fell in love with him. I never told him so, but I slowly figured it out. I saw in him what I want in a boyfriend/husband/partner. He's someone who is not just ambitious, intelligent, funny, socially outgoing, and attractive, but he had that quality about him that seals the deal ... it's that intrinsic personality quality that you can't define on paper -- you just feel it.

But he didn't. He told me that he realized that his affection for me was more of an infatuation rather than the buddings of love. He thinks that I am a good person, but I'm just not what he is looking for in a mate. But more to the point, he just didn't want to date anyone right now. He's young, out of the closet for a mere two years, and relatively new to DC. Two years after I was out of the closet I, too, was probably in the same place.

The Ex is my second ex. The first, when I was 25, also broke my heart. However, when we broke up, he vanished. I very rarely saw him again, and we certainly didn't have mutual friends (well, we were still cordial and friendly to one another's friends when we saw each other, but we didn't run in the same social circles). This time, the situation is much different. Since the Ex was new to town and since I'm a nice guy who knows how tough it can be to meet people, I took it upon myself to introduce him to my friends and make sure people added him to their social rolodexes. The wisest move? Probably not, but I do have a habit of putting others that I care about in front of my needs; I look at it as a double-edged risk/benefit of being a kind person. So the potential existed that I was going to run into the Ex a lot.

Example #1: the beach house. The Ex and I were two of 16 people who would be sharing a house in Rehoboth Beach, Del., over Labor Day weekend and the following week. I invited him to join the house after we started our break, so it wasn't like we were going to be there as a couple per se. Well, since he told me that we were officially over the day before we leave, I had to deal with a raw, open wound right in front of him for three straight days of beach, boys, and parties. I did pretty good the first two days, but on the morning of day three I overheard him telling someone, albeit somewhat discreetly, that he hooked up the night before. Overhearing that flipped a switch, or rather, stabbed me in the heart. I excused myself and broke down in private with one of my close friends. However, I had to spend the rest of the day faking it with a big smile on my face while inside I was dying, hurting, and just wanting to crawl in a corner and cry my eyes out. I cut my trip short (I was staying longer) because I just needed to not be around him anymore.

I realized that he really didn't understand what I was going through, so I wrote him a long email explaining how I was feeling. I asked him to not talk to me, text me, chat with me, or call me for the next four weeks (until our five person trip to San Francisco). He said he would do as I asked, and he did.

However, three weeks later -- this past Saturday -- some friends decided to have an end of the summer cookout and reunite everyone from the beach house. Both the Ex and I were invited, and I decided that I would attend knowing he would be there. I figured that us mingling at a group cookout would be a somewhat easier way to re-engage with him than on a long flight, just the two of us. Our first conversation was good, albeit stiff, and I seemed to do well at the party for the bulk of the night. However, after a few drinks for everyone, I again overhear a story being told by him. It was about another hookup at the beach; one that took place after I left. At that moment it was as if the past three weeks of progress were completely wiped away, and I again fell apart. Two good friends looked after me and comforted me for the rest of the night, although the wound was reopened. Of course, the charming Southerner I am, I put on a brave face so that most everyone who wasn't paying close attention wouldn't have known that I was upset. This may not even have happened were it not for my tipsiness.

Sunday was a bad day, and I was under and emotional cloud all day, still very much hurting like I was on that Monday and Tuesday after Labor Day. My friends have been great, but I know they are utterly exhausted of hearing me talk about the Ex. I went to the doctor to see about a prescription for xanax, but I only really started taking it a few days ago when the pain and anxiety over the past couple of days became greater.

I have gone through a range of emotions from sadness and hurt to anger and rage. I feel or have felt wounded, unloved, unwanted, fat (despite losing a net 11lbs as of Friday, *pats self on back*), ugly, undesirable, and worthless. I have been searching for relief in a variety of ways with very limited or short-term success. I just can't seem to shake him from my thoughts, and I wonder if I'll ever get over this. I listen to depressing music alternated with raging "I hate you" music. I know that I will, time heals all wounds, blah blah. I know that it wouldn't be a cliché if it wasn't somewhat true.

To make matters worse, my stress level has been through the roof in anticipation of this San Francisco trip coming up on Friday -- a trip that was planned back in July post-break but pre-breakup. It's my close friends, but they're friends with him, too. Do I go? Do I not go? I want to go; I paid the airfare after all, and I love San Francisco. After a lot of soul searching and some conversations with the Ex, I've decided that it's just too soon. I hate it; I wish I was further along in the healing process, but I'm not. I'm embarassed, frankly, that I can't seem to handle being friends right now. I'm sure he's thinking "what's with all the drama?" Maybe he's right. Maybe I am just being too dramatic and am dragging this thing out unecessarily. However, in conversations with my friends who have experienced similar pain, I think that I'm doing fine. I just don't want to look like the unstable crazed ex-boyfriend to my Ex. Why do I care? Because I do. I'm already the dumpee; I don't want to be the crazy wild-eyed dumpee that breaks out into a rage when I see him.

So that's where I am. It's a big rollercoaster of emotions for me right now. I know passing time will help, as well as limiting contact with him for a while longer. I want to be friends, I really do. I just can't right now. Hopefully I will be able to sometime soon, and hopefully he will still want to. That's the idealist in me.

Back, Back, Back It Up Now

2007-09-24T14:00:00.000Z

(and lemme lemme UP grade you ...)

So my contract with Verizon Wireless is up, and it's time to get a new phone. My phone has been great, but it's starting to show it's age. It's really beat-up looking, it freezes up sometimes, and, well, I guess that's enough.

However, the thought of transferring all my numbers to my new phone terrifies me. I would have to take the day off of work to do it, it would be so long. I knew Verizon had a service where you could back up your numbers nightly, but I also assumed that they'd charge me for this service. Well, lo and behold, if you sign up for online account access -- something I did eons ago -- you can get it for free! So I just signed up for backup service, and if you're a Verizon customer and haven't done it yet, I suggest you do it right now: http://www.verizonwireless.com/b2c/landingpages/backupProtection.jsp.

Now, for the new phone. I think I'm going to get the LG VX8700:

It's a skinny bitch and it's really hot. It even has a cool caller ID screen that when not illuminated, blends in to the existing chrome on the phone. It'll cost me $80 even with my new every two discount of $100, but I don't care ... how often do you get a new cell phone, anyway? And I want one that is small. I don't need a keyboard or a big ass camera on it. The weird thing is that the ex and I both had the original Motorola e815 (pictured at top), and he's already gotten the LG.

I've also got to upgrade my plan, too, as my texting has dramatically spiked over the past couple of months. Right now I pay $5 for 250 texts a month, but I'm running over it. In fact, I have texted 234 times this billing cycle and it's already pretty early. I've gotten to be a popular hen in the barnyard apparently! :)

Song & The South

2007-09-20T00:01:00.000Z

If you've not heard this song, listen. It's awesome. Plus the lyrics are good (for me, for the time being). Apologize by OneRepublic and Timbaland.

I continue to struggle about the ex, but things have certainly progressed in a positive direction over the past few weeks. We're going to be at the same social gathering on Saturday, which will be the first time that we've seen each other or spoken since Rehoboth. I'm a little nervous about it, but I'm sure it'll be fine. Plus, like Bernie pointed out, better to test the waters Saturday before I am thrust on a plane with him for five hours - just him and me - to San Francisco next weekend. I'll just have a xanax with my first cocktail.

I went to Atlanta last weekend for fun, and it was. I spent a lot of time with just Jamie, which was great since we haven't had alone time with just the two of us in so long. We even watched football all day Saturday, so it brought back good memories. Rich and I went out in Midtown Saturday night, which was also fun. Lord, walking into Blake's brought back a ton of memories ... it was just the second gay bar I ever set foot in, and it's a place where I have spent many a weekend. But then on Sunday Rich, Jamie, Victoria, Rob (not that Rob), and I went to the Green Manor, this big old Southern mansion about 15 minutes past the airport in the frozen-in-time blue collar suburb of Union City. This place has a killer Sunday buffet brunch, and my friends and I have blown through there on many a Sunday. Now, it's a church crowd and locals place, so a gaggle of gays and gay-friendlies kind of stand out. And if you know me, I kind of stick out anyway. There's one waitress that's always working on Sundays, and we call her Dixie Carter b/c she looks like Dixie Carter (Julia Sugarbaker, for those who don't know). I have no idea what her name is, and I honestly don't want to know. We walked in and she instantly remembered me: "well, I haven't seen you in a long time." I have not been in this place in three years easily, so yeah, that's the kind of impression I make :).

I flew back Monday morning and five hours later I was back at National for a flight to Miami. It was an overnight work trip; short, but productive. OH, the highlight of the trip was probably running into Halo South Beach. Yes, Halo, the bar across from my house apparently opened up a location there just a month ago. I was just walking around after dinner and randomly came across it. It looks like what you'd expect the Miami cousin of Halo DC to look like ... loungey, white interiors with lots of low neon lights. I didn't go in as I wasn't feeling boozie on Monday night. But good to know there's a decent gay bar in South Beach; contrary to popular belief, gay nightlife in Miami sucks. Most of the gays apparently head to Lauderdale for their nightlife.

Fortunately I won't travel until next Tuesday when I go to L.A., as I'm whipped and glad to be in my own bed for the next several nights. Plus it's much easier to stick to my diet and exercise regimen in town than it is on the road. Still doing well (with the exception of blowing it on purpose on Sunday at the Green Manor - which I don't regret one bit :)).

A Sage for the Social Set

2007-09-12T14:22:00.000Z

So apparently I'm the new hotness and didn't know it according to Express. On page 36 of yesterday's Express there's an excerpt from this post. I had no idea until Bernie emailed our inner circle of friends to share the news. And what did they choose to highlight? Oh, my musings on why I shouldn't communicate with people when I'm drunk. I will say that it is written grammatically correct, so maybe that's why the newsies picked up on it. Yep, there was a dramatic spike in my page visits overnight.

Now the pressure's on ... what other wisdom can I impart now as a spiritual leader to the social set. Well, maybe I'm getting carried away. My guidance was more Elizabeth Post than the Dalai Lama.

1. Order rail booze if you're mixing it with something in a bar. Yes, I know you hate that morning-after headache, and yes, I know you just got a raise, it's your birthday, someone else is buying (well scratch that), whatever. If you are going to mix run-of-the-mill cranberry juice cocktail from a bar gun with that vodka, don't order Grey Goose ... Zelko will be just fine. Now, if you are making your own cranberry juice from a juicer with no added sugar, then maybe I could see you wanting to mix the best with the best. Same goes for bourbon/whiskey and ginger ale. Y'all, that's probably Sam's Choice or Kirkland's ginger ale in that bar gun, not Seagram's or Canada Dry (is that fancy ginger ale? I don't know).

2. Ditch the cards; use the cell. When I first came out and started hitting the bars, you would find all these little pieces of paper and golf pencils strewn all over the bar on which you could exchange phone numbers with your special someone. It was very handy. Most everyone had a cell phone in 1999, but texting was a very new thing. Beyond that, no one had caught on to the notion that you could store someone's phone number in your phone without having to track down paper and pencil or keep up with said paper when the exchange took place. Now when I meet someone I just dial their phone number right there or vice-versa, and the number is in the phone. The drawback is the cumbersome "enter the name" part of the process. Depending on what time of the evening you make your love connection (or that person who said that they know of a great job/roommate for you), you may not want to fiddle with the person's whole name. If you're really in the bag, just find it within yourself to type in their first initial. At least you've narrowed down the name to one in a hundred instead of one in a thousand. Unless it's the letter X.

3. Stash away your cab ride home early in the night. One of the luxuries of living where I live is that I am within easy walking distance of most of the bars that I frequent. However, when I decide to mix things up a bit and head out of the 'hood, I usually won't feel like hoofing it home or waiting 20 minutes on nighttime Metro trains to bring me home. Enter the cab ride. But how do you make sure you have enough money for that valuable ride home (or elsewhere) at the appointed hour? Simple: take $10 (or $15, $20, whatever) out of your wallet at the beginning of the night and stash it somehere ... the fifth pocket on your jeans, the area under your driver's license, in your shoe, etc. That way you are assured that you won't blow your ride home on a round of shots for you and your newly-found bar friends.

4. Rethink drunk food. It's human nature (I suppose) to crave food at the end of a night of partying (well, drinking). Don't head straight to Jumbo Slice or Yum's (please god not the latter); consider something less greasy, like a turkey sandwich. 7-11 is very close to my house, and upon entering the store, I will invariably be drawn to the tasty taquitos. I've gotten myself trained to take three extra steps to the cold sandwich section and grab a turkey sandwich instead. Yes, it's probably the same amount of carbs, but the fat and calorie content is most certainly lower than those pre-made fried cheesy delights. Better than that, keep some easy-to-grab, not-that-disgusting munchies at your house: peanuts, beef jerkey, baked chips. Yes, I know it's not what you want, but would you rather give up your drinking or give up your greasy end-of-the-night snacks? That's what I thought.

5. Water, water, everywhere. You will need water--lots of it--to stave off that hangover the next day. Do whatever you can to make sure you have access to water both before you go to bed and when you invariably wake up in the morning to go to the bathroom before heading back to bed. Put a bottle or glass of water by your bed (but don't knock it over when you get home). Make sure your water-filtering pitcher is full before you leave. Keep your Nalgene full and in the fridge. Whatever ... just do what you can to make sure that you won't have to make much effort to get water when you walk in the door, because you are not going to want to do anything but head straight to the bed.

Okay, you've got five to work on and perfect before the next lesson.